As I sit here at my laptop this evening I have a desire to write and share with you, but my spirit is weary. I sat here for a few moments with my face in my hands praying, "Lord, I don't even know what to say...or what to title it." The word weary came to mind...AGAIN.
It sounds depressing, yet weary is a word that has been on my mind...and tongue quite a bit lately. It describes how I often feel as I deal with chronic pain day in and day out. Pain that persists after a year...and many attempts at treatment.
I've wanted to share on my blog many times throughout the last couple of weeks, but sitting at the computer is painful. I promised to share more about my miscarriage loss and some things that I learned, yet lately I haven't been able to muster the engery. I still intend to do so, just not today. Most days it takes all I have to complete my regular tasks which includes caring for my husband, 2 1/2 year old son and our home. Weary, yes, weary...that's the word.
Being in constant pain can be a very lonely experience. Other people (even those the closest to you and that love you the most) can't really understand what it is like. Others continue moving through their busy days while you're lying on the couch praying for strength just to get through.
Then, a reminder comes...
Yesterday, I came across a scripture passage. One that I had read many times before. One that I have even used to encourage others during hard times. However, this time it hit me "like a ton of rocks." It was as if God was speaking it straight to my own weary heart!
Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
As I read, my eyes filled with tears. The loneliness of this pain began to fade. Whom have I in heaven but you, Lord?! Oh yes, my health may fail...and for sure my spirit grows weak (and weary), but YOU remain the strength of my heart. You are mine forever! And nothing can change that! You know, care and understand. I desire nothing more than you, Lord!
God never promised us that this life would be easy. However, He did promise us that when we accept Him as our Lord and Savior that He will never leave us nor forsake us (Deut 31:6, 8 & Heb 13:5). We don't have to be discouraged or afraid because He will go with us. He will give us the strength (His strength not ours!) that we need to get through whatever struggle we face!
I don't know what the Lord has in store for me next. I know that God could heal me at this very moment if He chose to do so. I also know that God's ways are so beyond mine...so even when I don't understand what He is doing, I can trust Him and His plan for my life. He is teaching me things through the pain. I pray that I will have ears to hear and eyes to see all that He is trying to show me.
My weariness must turn into dependence on the One who is the strength of my heart. How reassuring to know that He cares; He will not leave me, nor forsake me; He is mine forever!
I pray that you also have that reassurance and hope today, my dear reading friend. As always, feel free to contact me with any prayer requests or questions you may have. I am here for you...even in the midst of the pain.