Oh, to Love Him More!

My husband ended up in the ER the night before last. Just a few hours after I said something I shouldn't have.

I spoke to a loved one earlier in the day. Someone who shared health concerns. I was reminded that life does not go on forever, that bodies fail and all people die. Even the strongest of us.

As I thought about and prayed for this person, emotion ovewehelmed me. I spent the evening thinking about all the things I take for granted. Of this fleeting life. Of regrets and goals to do better. I thought of the people I love and the way I wanted to show them more...much more.

In all the feelings I failed to see what was right before me.  To recognize the seriousness of my husband's pain. The pain of the man I say I love more than life. The pain he had told me he was experiencing. The pain I thought would go away. He seems so invincible. He's so healthy and strong. Rarely complains.

In the uproar of my feelings, concerns and contemplation of life, a remark my husband made, made me angry. I lashed out with hurtful words. Even as I said it, I knew it was wrong. Emotions getting the best of me. Still I spewed them. The tongue is like a blazing fire. Oh, to control it!

All that time thinking about what really matters...and the one who matters right before me, get's overlooked. He got the worst of me.

As I sat in the emergency room with my dear husband, I had more time to think. 1am...2am...3am...4am. It was 8am before he made it to surgery. An emergency laparoscopic appendectomy. I did not sleep all night, but that didn't matter. What mattered was he was getting the help he needed. I apologized for my words. He forgave me. I love yous were exchanged...and we meant it.

On Wednesday afternoon I thought all was well. Although these health issues have been brewing where I can not see, and where I do not know, in my world all seemed well. How quickly life can change. Oh, to remember! To live each moment as if this is my last chance.

My pastor reminded us on Christmas Eve that this life is about relationships, relationship first with God and then with others. And so I vowed that this year, this new year 2012, I will focus more wholey on something that has already been important to me, relationships. To live more as Christ, less selfishly and more lovingly. To love God with all my heart, mind and soul and to extend that love to others. If I love Him as I should, I will love others as I should.

Only days into this goal and I blow it. Letting hurtful words slip my lips, in one of the most important relationships in my life. Then, my husband gets sick and I kick myself.

BUT HIS mercies are new every morning! And really every moment. I start again, reaching for the goal. Living in this moment. Wishing to see, really see.

My heart echoes the words of Ann Voskamp "O Lord, open the eyes of my heart, the eyes of my hands, the eyes of my mouth, the eyes of my feet. I long to live all eye."

I asked my husband for forgiveness. He very graciously forgave me, saying that he understood. He loves me. I asked God for His forgiveness. He forgives and gives me new mercies. He loves me too. And I am so thankful! I decide to forgive myself...not looking back, but living in this moment and looking ahead to what He has for me to do next. Reaching towards the goal.

I hope to take my husband home from the hospital today. As he recovers from his surgery, I thank God that it wasn't much worse. I thank God for another chance.

Henry Blackaby wrote, "Jesus does not need your resolutions, your recommitments, or your promises to try harder this year. If your resolve to obey God last year (or last week) did not help you to be faithful, it will not make you successful this year. Jesus asks for your love. If you truly love Him, your service for Him in the new year will be of the quality that He desires."

Oh, to love Him more! Which will lead to loving others better...and speaking words that are filled with His grace, rather than fleshly poison. Help me, dear Jesus!

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

May the words of my mouth and the meditation

of my heart be pleasing in your sight,

O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Psalm 19:14

copyright Rachel Beran

I'm Huge

Well, I guess it's happened...apparently I'm officially HUGE.  :)

This morning after the service an older woman in our church made about 4 or 5 comments during our very brief conversation about how big my pregnant belly is getting .  She said something about how I only have a couple more weeks before our baby is due.  I said, "Well, about 5 weeks."  She said something like, "Wow!  Just imagine how huge (she might have said big, but huge is the word that stuck in my mind...LOL) you'll be in 4 or 5 more weeks!"  Thanks a lot, dear sister!  :)

You know, there were several other people who made comments to me today.  A couple of people told me how good I look (being pregnant), three people complimented me on the purple top I was wearing (and that it's a good color on me), two people complimented my hair (and the scarf I had in it); yet the negative comments were the ones that stuck in my mind.  Words really are a powerful force, aren't they?!

For our women's Sunday School class we have been studying the Wisdom of Proverbs (a study by Wendy Blight).  Ironically, this week we studied Proverbs chapters 10 and 18 focusing on controlling our tongues, and that's what we discussed today.  Note: the elderly lady I mentioned above doesn't normally attend Sunday school, but I'm thinking perhaps she would have benefitted from this weeks study.  hee hee  :)

During Sunday School we discussed how our words can either "build up" another or can "tear" them down (can give life or death).  Now, I must say, I know that the dear sister mentioned above wasn't trying to hurt me with her words.  We're all guilty at times of speaking words in haste, without thinking and without regard to the effects, still today her words and the positive words of others were a great picture in my mind of what was already revealed to me this week through God's Word.  Our words are powerful!  This was just a SMALL thing.  It really was.  However, it was also a GREAT BIG reminder to me that I'd rather be the one speaking positive, uplifting, life-giving words, than the one making the negative, not-so-helpful comment without even thinking.   

This woman's words weren't poisonous or perverse or violent (and I'm honestly not trying to be hard on her!!).  However, her words weren't exactly "life giving" either.  Before we say what's on our mind it is good to ask ourselves, "Is this true? Is it kind?  Is it helpful?  Is it needed/necessary?"  

True: Yes.  Although I  haven't gained as much weight with this baby as I did with my last, I can tell that my belly IS indeed bigger.  So, yes, my sister's words are True.

Kind: Although they weren't necessarily said in a mean-hearted, unkind spirit, I'd say no...not so kind. :)

Helpful: Not so much.  The last thing a pregnant woman wants to hear is how HUGE she is.  lol

Needed/Necessary: Nope.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, a person shouldn't make a comment to a pregnant woman about her appearance unless telling her, "You look great!" or "You're glowing."  Being preggers can be tough.  Why not "build up" a sister?!?!  Find something positive to say.  It's not like we pregnant women can help how big our belly gets.   

No worries, dear reader!  Although I'm using this woman's words to make a point here, I'm really taking them lightly, choosing to laugh about her comments and to consider the source.  My husband and I have had some great laughs about it already several times today. 

I'm not going to spend the following weeks worrying about it.  Instead I'm going to enjoy it.  Maybe we will have more children down the road, maybe we won't.  Regardless, this special time of THIS pregnancy will only last a little while longer.  So, I'll enjoy feeling the baby move within my womb (guessing whether that's a knee or an elbow that I see moving across my belly), praying for the baby's health and thanking God that we are both growing!  Soon I'll get to hold and snuggle my precious baby...AND my belly will shrink.  :)

My big belly will go away, but I pray that this lesson on controlling my tongue remains with me forever!  I want my words to be full of wisdom, to be encouraging, uplifting, positive, peaceful, gentle, loving, kind; so I'm going to try to ask myself BEFORE I speak, "Is this true?  Is this kind?  Is this helpful?  Is this needed/necessary?" even in the seemingly small things.  If the answer is no, I pray I'll remember to zip up my lips...and spare those around me.  :)  LORD, help me!!

Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words bring satisfaction.  The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.  Proverbs 18: 20-21
      

Mama Always Said...

My mama and me (and Baby Beran). :)

As adults it’s easy to “pick apart” our parents. We often focus on the mistakes they made and the things that we want to differently with our children. We tend to forget that like them we are human, and our kids will find fault with our “perfect parenting” too (Ha! As if there is such a thing!).

Today I found myself instead focusing on all the things my mom got right. She’s taught me some things…some that I have applied, and some that I know I fall short of living fully. Still, I hope to pass on much of her wisdom, kindness and compassion to my children.

Thought maybe I’d share some her wisdom with you too. :)

Lesson 1: The golden rule, “Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.” She taught me this not so much in word, but in action! If someone was in need she was the first one to jump in. She gave of herself without reservation, without laziness, without expectation of receiving anything in return. She often did these things silently, without bringing attention to herself, and out of the abundance of her loving, compassionate heart.

Which leads me to the next things she taught…

Lesson 2: Love others. Mom always has tended to see the best in people. She loved some pretty unlovable people. She remembered many that others forgot. She even said to love that not-so-good-looking, mean, toothless bully at school! She would remind me that even he probably had a mother at home who looks at him through adoring eyes, and more importantly a Heavenly Father who loves him unconditionally. She reminded me that everyone has a soul, and potential as a child of God.

Lesson 3: Hold your tongue. Now, I must admit I have a lot of work to do on this one, but it’s not because my mama didn’t teach me! Mom would be the first NOT to tell you that you don’t have to say everything that you think. :) If it’s not nice, or uplifting, or really needed, maybe you should just keep it to yourself. Speak up when it IS needed, in kindness and love, and because of your reputation people will be more likely to listen. You don't always have to defend yourself, trust the Lord to defend and protect you.

I’ll be honest, there were times when I was growing up when I saw this as a weakness in my mom. I would often think, “Why doesn’t she stand up for herself?” or “Why didn’t she just tell them what she thinks?” Now that I’m a woman myself I see the wisdom in sometimes staying silent. Not that I want to be a doormat, or that I can’t share my opinions when appropriate (believe me I have plenty of them!), but there is something beautiful about a woman with a gentle and quiet, reverent and respectful spirit. God’s Word says so, I Peter 3:4, “You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.” My mom has an unfading beauty that you can not deny!

Lesson 4: Being a mom is the best job in the world. Tears came to my eyes immediately after I typed those words, emotions of gratitude for the mothering that my mom doted upon me, and the love that I have for my own child(ren). I remember my mom saying this to me when I was a teenager, and for the first time realizing the passion behind her words. She meant it!

My mom made sacrifices so that she could be home with me…even as a single mom (she did daycare in our home). She recognized the importance of her role in my life, and I never doubted her love for me. She took pride in and made being a homemaking mama her primary role (even in the midst of “bringing home the bacon” as a single mom). Our home was warm, inviting and a haven for me. Even though money was tight, there was always good food on the table, affection to be distributed and words of encouragement to be shared. I thank God soooo often for the example that she set for me!! (Note: I’m looking forward to her coming up to help me after Baby Beran is born, so that I can gain more wisdom from this child expert!)

Lesson 5: Don’t be lazy. That woman is a go-getter, I tell ya! For years, I thought she must be crazy the way she kept her house clean (even in the midst of watching everyone else’s kids!)…and kept herself busy. Like the Energizer bunny, she just kept going and going (hee hee) even when I know she must have been tired. She did her work joyfully, often humming the tune to, “Oh, how I love Jesus” as she went about her work. She gave me a real life model of the virtuous and capable woman described in Proverbs 31.

Hmmmm…come to think of it, all the things my mama taught me above are described in Proverbs 31...

“She is energetic and strong, a hard worker….Her hands are busy…She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy…She is clothed with strength and dignity...When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instruction with kindness…she suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her…a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.” Excerpts from Proverbs 31:17-31

I could go on and on and on listing things that my mama has taught me, but I’ll stop here. I’m praying that I can be more like my mom because being more like her would mean being more like Jesus.

My mom was not perfect, God is the only perfect parent, but she sure was good…and still is!!

I LOVE and APPRECIATE you, Mom!!

Tell me, what did your mama always say? What did she teach you without words? I’d love to hear!