Grief and Hope ~ Fourth Miscarriage

Grief is a peculiar thing.

 

Miscarriage, a fourth one.  It seems almost too much.

 

I've cried...and wept bitterly.

I've talked it out with my husband.

We've shared moments of sorrow as a family. 

We've shared great conversation, growth opportunities. 

 

I've analyzed it from every angle...

With no resolution.

I've asked why...

With no answer.

 

I've blamed myself...

Then reminded myself of Truth.

I've physically suffered...

Then found some much welcome relief.

 

I've been angry...not at anyone in particular.

I've been hurt by the insensitive things people say and do...

Then chosen to extend the grace that's been given to me.

I've also been thankful for many compassionate, praying friends.

 

I 've been fearful of the future.

I've been sad for the present.

I've grieved over the past, we all have....

Especially over the child we hoped to adopt.

 

I've prayed in groans that can't be expressed in words...

And other times in earnest.

I've searched His Word for answers.

And found much consolation.

 

Then the sunshine came back out...

It's been there all along.

 

There is hope. There is Jesus.

He is my Light and my Salvation.

He sanctifies and strengthens us in the hard.

He is faithful to those of us who believe.

 

I've counted my blessings.

I've hugged my treasures on earth.

I've praised the Giver...Who gives and takes away.

I've experienced the peace that passes all comprehension.

 

I've seen how He uses our circumstances for good,

Although I know I haven't seen it all entirely yet...

And most likely won't this side of heaven.

I trust that God has a plan, although I can't see it all now.

 

We live in a broken, fallen world...

Where there is pain, tears and death.

But there comes a day when this will end...

And I will meet my four treasures in heaven.

 

When grief comes, because it will keep coming,

I will keep looking up to the Faithful One.

He is my hope.  He is my joy.

He is my Shield and Defender.

 

Now I move forward in faith,

Knowing something better is coming.

Enjoying the blessing of Life all around.

I will glory in the One Who is good all the time.

 

Tomorrow is a new day, full of fresh mercies.

I'm so grateful to know Truth,

To know the One acquainted with our grief.

What would I do without Him?

 

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Are you going through something?

Run, leap, bound toward Him, my friend.

Abide and trust. You won't regret it. 

His love never fails. It heals and restores.

He gives strength for today.

Peace for the past.

Hope for tomorrow.

You might also want to read "Faith In the Waiting" about my Third Miscarriage...
and there you will find links to posts about previous losses.

Click the following link if you want some tips on "How to Help the Hurting".

I Won't Forget

I remember vividly. 

How could I ever forget? 

It's been almost a year

Since we lost our baby Faith. 

We heard her heartbeat,

But never held her tiny body. 

She went straight into the arms of Jesus. 

Is there a better place? 

Still we cried.

We longed to hold her,

To smell her baby scent,

To know our daughter.

 

Did she look like our boys? 

Would she have curls like her mommy?

Piercing blue eyes like daddy's? 

Would her giggle be infectious?

I imagine her perfect and beautiful,

No flaw or failure. 

And she is perfect,

Completely whole in Heaven. 

One day I will see her face to face. 

I will hold her tight.

I will kiss her cheek

And look into her eyes.

Until then, He holds her safely, lovingly,

Better than I ever could. 

I feel secure in that. 

My heart peace-filled.

 

Our baby Faith taught us so much about faith. 

What faith is and how to apply it.

Not because we're good,

But because He is!

Oh, to remember,

To really remember.

To praise Him for His goodness.

To put faith into practice.

We will trust even when we don't understand,

Which is most the time.

And that's okay because He is faithful and trustworthy.

He has good plans for us.

All His promises hold true.

There is purpose in the pain.

He holds her (and the two others) in Heaven.

He holds us here too.

Do I believe it?

I do believe.  Do you?

That's faith.

It fills a soul with hope.

Praising God today for both Faith and faith!

You might also want to read: How to Help the Hurting

How to Help the Hurting (Miscarriage)

Previously I shared about my most recent miscarriage experience here. In the comments of this page and through personal messages, I received requests for more advice on how to minister to the hurting.

I hardly feel like an expert. I am certain that I have let hurting loved ones down in the past. And although it is my heartfelt desire not to, I know I am all too human and will most likely fail others again in the future (and may be letting someone down right at the moment). 

However, I have learned a few things through my time of grief, and would love to humbly share a few of those insights with you, knowing that I still have a lot to learn myself.

I think it’s so important that we, as believers in Jesus Christ, reach out to one another, in good times and in hard times alike. We are to be “Christ in the flesh”. We need to ask ourselves, “What would Jesus do?” He would love on the hurting and so should we.

Some things you must realize before we start: In my case we are referring to miscarriage, the loss of a baby in the womb. However, this advice could certainly apply to other kinds of hurt as well.

It is interesting to me that Christians often say they believe that life begins at conception (I DO!), and yet when someone has a miscarriage they act as if it is not a real loss. Miscarriage is a real loss! It is the loss of an unborn child that was wanted and loved. It is the loss of hopes and dreams. It hurts. It is okay for the person experiencing this loss to mourn. In fact, it is healthy and normal. Let them grieve and don’t minimize or ignore their grief.

Before approaching any hurting person pray for that person. Then, pray for yourself. Pray for God’s guidance, and for His words to fill your lips…and even for His wisdom to know when to close your mouth (to either listen or avoid hurtful words) when necessary. God filled His believers with His Holy Spirit. Ask Him to minister through you and He will!

  So now I am giving you a new commandment.

Love each other. Just as I have loved you,

you should love each other.

Your love for one another will prove to the world that

you are my disciples.” John 13:34-35 (Jesus speaking)

A few tips:

Say something: Acknowledge their loss and their pain. I think often times people say nothing because they don’t know what to say. Don’t get held back by your own lack of words. To me, it was really helpful to hear something like, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m sorry…and I’m here for you…and I love you.” Even after 3 miscarriages I still don’t know what to say myself, and I have no idea how I’m “suppose to” feel. There are no magic words to make the hurt stop and there is no “one size fits all” expression of sympathy. 

However, saying nothing is never the right option. Saying nothing makes it seem like you don’t care, even if you do. To the person going through it, it can be all consuming. Don’t ignore it. Be sincere. Don’t say things you don’t mean or can’t follow up with actions. Say you’re sorry. But my heartfelt advice is: don’t stop there because it’s hard for the grieving one to know how to respond to that. Follow it with more words like, “I’m praying for you” or something similar. Often times the hurting one doesn’t care as much about what you say, as they do about the acknowledgement of their hurt. Of course, you should avoid hurtful words at all costs. If you are in doubt, don’t say it.

Certainly, Jesus would say something.

Be willing to listen: Grief is lonely. Even as a Christian, you can feel very alone in your grief. Yes, God is there and you can pour your heart out to Him and that is absolutely amazing. Still, there are times when you feel like you need someone else, someone you can see, touch or even just hear on the phone to talk to. We need others. 

Sometimes people get so wrapped up in what they’re going to say or how they’re going to help the hurting person by saying or doing something grand, that they forget to simply take the time to listen. Sometimes the hurting person needs to talk and cry. I know dealing with loss, grief and tears makes some people uncomfortable, but you should remember the golden rule. Ask yourself “What would I want others to do for me, if I were in that situation?” The hurting person simply needs to process through their feelings and various stages of grief. It truly is a process! 

If you say, “I’m so sorry” one day, then the next time you see them you don’t even ask how they’re doing, you appear cold and uninterested. Ask questions and be willing to just listen. Not only will the person hurting get to talk, you will also learn more about how to help them and how to pray for them by listening to what they say. Reminder: there are also times when the hurting person does not want to talk, respect that too. Ask again later.

Certainly, Jesus would listen.

Remember to follow up: Don’t just say a few words then forget about them or act as if they should be “over it”. There were just a few people who continued to check up on me beyond the “I’m sorry.” It was nice to hear someone say they were praying for me (us). Yet, I felt like I needed more than a one time prayer or pat on the back. It was those few people who would check up on me from time to time who helped me the most. They showed they really cared. It was obvious to me that they really were praying, and therefore thought of and felt invested in me. 

In this modern day of cell phones it is easy to find time to make a call. And most people these days have either e-mail, texting or facebook. Drop them a message to ask something like, “How are you today?” or “I’m thinking of you. How can I pray?” An old school snail mail card or note is nice. A little gift is appreciated. Take a meal to them.  Each of these things are a reminder that they haven’t been forgotten.

Certainly, Jesus would remember.

Direct them to the LORD: No matter how much you do or what you say, there will be times when the hurting person will feel alone. That’s why it’s so important to direct them to the One who can help in ways you never can. The One who never fail, who never leaves nor forsakes them, who is the God of all comfort! 

Pray. Send them scriptures. Remind them that He is good and can be trusted and loves them more than they can comprehend, etc. Fill them with His Truth!  Tell them that He listens and cares 24/7. Don’t neglect to remind them of the hope they have in Him, and Him alone. In the lonely times, those things will come into their minds and will help more than anything else. He is the giver of peace.

I had four different women who prayed with me over the phone.  What a blessing!  They didn't just say, "I will pray for you", they prayed right then and there, when I needed it the most.  As they prayed I felt strengthened...and their words, reflecting on His power and goodness, encouraged me.  Pray with them or write out a prayer and send it to them. 

Certainly, Jesus would direct them to the Father.

A dear friend of mine gave me a book that was quite helpful as I grieved the loss of our baby. It’s called “The Art of Helping: What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting” by Lauren Littauer Briggs. 

I highly recommend this book to the person wishing to help the hurting AND as a gift to someone who is hurting. It covers various life circumstances like aging parents, chronic illness, loss of job, infertility, etc. Real women shared their insights with the author on what helped them, what didn’t and what they wish others understood. There is a chapter covering miscarriage. It was comforting for me to read this chapter because it was confirming that I wasn’t alone in my feelings. It would, of course, also be a great tool for those who want to minister to the hurting people in their life. As I implied before there is no “one size fits all” manual, but this book could give you a place to start and trigger some good ideas.

It might show you what Jesus would do.

I like the Casting Crowns song “Love them Like Jesus”. Read the words of one of the verses and the chorus:

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue, Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon, Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray, As the little one slips away

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words, You're trying to make sense of it all, They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view, They're looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him, His yoke is easy, His burden is light, You don't need the answers to all of life's questions, Just know that He loves them and stay by their side, Love them like Jesus

Yes, love them like Jesus!

To the one hurting: Remember to extend grace to the people in your life who don’t seem to “get it”. Remember that sometimes they just don’t know what to say. I know it’s hard, but you can choose to overlook their offenses (Proverbs 19:11). You can choose to love THEM like Jesus too.  Run to the One who will never fail you!!

“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort

others. When they are troubled, we will be able

to give them the same comfort

God has given us.” II Corinthians 1:4

Faith Continued

I’ve wanted to write. I’ve even sat down, wrote and erased. Words don’t always come easily. My mind has often been a fog. At the moment so many words flood my mind. They don’t translate well from my head to the keyboard. My thoughts are scattered. My sentences are sometimes incomplete. Perhaps that’s okay. That’s where I am today. It’s honest.

If you missed my last post, you can read it here. It applies to everything else I write here.

The days following the death of our baby, I waited. Cramping. Pain. Tears. Sometimes miscarriages come fast. Sometimes they do not. Either way it’s not easy. More waiting. Waiting is hard. I wonder why, but I trust the One who made me, the One who loves me. “Lean not on your own understanding.”

I was reminded of my own life verse, the one that graces the header of this blog.

“As for God, His way is perfect.  All of the LORD’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection.” Psalm 18:30

Indeed, His way is PERFECT. Even when I don’t understand. Even when it hurts. I believe it. I know it is true. His way is perfect.

ALL of His promises prove true. Not some, all! His promises are for me, and He never breaks a promise. I can trust Him.

And He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection. When you look for Him, you will find Him (Jer 29:13). In the midst of all of life circumstances. He is my shield of protection. My strength, because I have none without Him.

He shows me that He sees me. He puts people in my path. A hug. A tear. A gift. A phone call, text or message. An “I love you.” All at the right time.

More days pass. Tough decisions. Tough days. A 3^rd ultrasound. A d&c. Obvious answers to prayer. 

Thank you, Lord! I lift my voice in songs of praise. Rejoicing. How do you explain that? Joy, in the midst of the mourning. Worship in the hard. Praise for Who He is, because He loves. Comfort from the God of all comfort. How do you explain peace, the kind that passes all comprehension, the kind that comes only from Him? I experience that, and I am thankful.

Another scripture given, this time in a Bible study. I’ve read them many times before, but this time they take on special meaning.

“Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand His decisions and His ways! For who can know the LORD’s thoughts? Who knows enough to give Him advice? And who has given Him so much that He needs  to pay it back?  For everything comes from Him and exists by His power and is intended for His glory. All glory to Him forever! Amen.” Romans 11:33-36

HE gives, and HE takes away. My heart will choose to say blessed be His name. Not because it looks like I wanted it to, but because I believe that His way is perfect. Who am I to give Him advice? He knows what is best. I do not. His ways are so far above my ways! How can I even expect to understand? All glory to His name!

Life keeps moving. Responsibilities and schedules persist. Sadness remains. Grief is a process. I feel alone. Yes, I have the Great Comforter. But, people. Oh, people. People fail, as people often do. As I do.

Our baby died, the one we named Faith! Miscarriage is a private thing, or so I’m told. I think it should not be. We need other people, Christ in the flesh. People don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. It appears they don’t care, even if they do. It hurts. Loved ones, who you think should care the most, say little. It stings. Even those who ask seem to want “Fine” as an answer. It's lonely.

Prayers are appreciated. Acknowledgement of pain is helpful. A few friends choose to reach out beyond the “I’m sorry.” It is good. I am blessed and I know it. I know Him and am so grateful for that. And yet, in the quiet moments I still feel alone. It’s a normal feeling. Tears come yet again. He brings me to another verse, just what I needed, again.

“I cry out to the LORD; I plead for the LORD’s mercy.  I pour out my complaints before Him and

tell Him all my troubles. When I am overwhelmed, you alone know the way I should turn…

I look for someone to come and help me, but no one gives me a passing thought!  No one will help me, no one cares a bit what happens to me. Then, I pray to you, O LORD. I say, ‘You are my place of refuge. You are all I really want in life.’” Psalm 142:1-5

He reminded me that it is HIM that I really want. It is HIM that I really need. He is my place of refuge. He knows the way. He is my comfort. He is my hope. No one else. People fail. He does not! I pour out my soul to Him!

Last night a few close friends and I gathered for a Celebration of Life. We celebrated her earthly life, short as it was. We rejoiced that she is in His presence, eternal life. We celebrated friendship. We celebrated God's goodness, in all of life's circumstances.  I had no idea what to say. Words came as an answer to prayer. Tears flowed. Hearts joined in love, prayer and song. And I was reminded how truly blessed I am.  

Her life mattered. It mattered to me. It mattered to God, the Giver of her life. Her life affected me, changed me. Her life impacted others. God reveals His goodness in the midst of hardship. Beauty for ashes. He is real…and powerful…and personal. I praise Him for life. I praise Him for Faith!

Read a follow up post to this one: How to Help the Hurting

And a poem I wrote at the 1 year anniversary of the loss of Baby Faith: I Won't Forget

Miscarriage #3: Faith in the Waiting

It's another gloomy day and I continue to wait. It's been 4 more days. I hesitated to share before because the pain is still raw. Today I feel compelled to share, thinking my story might help someone else who is hurting. Please read on.

I wrote the following on Thursday, March 22, 2012

Yesterday the sky was dark, dark clouds looming overhead. I noticed and thought it was reflective of the looming sadness in my heart. I had cried a lot the night before. I felt numb as I drove. I prayed. We made it to the hospital. After a shuffle of papers and pleasantries, I once again lied down on that cold table, in that dark room with the white tile ceiling.

Only 2 weeks before the sonographer found a tiny baby with a tiny heartbeat. Still, I continued to bleed and all signs were pointing to bad news. This time, I looked at the sonographers face for any signs as she moved the probe. Her expression was void. Before long she shared. She said the opposite of what I wanted to hear. This time a tiny baby, but no heartbeat. She was sorry. So was I. Oh, so was I! I could hardly stand to lie there a moment longer.

Already a slow and agonizing 2 ½ weeks of bleeding, wondering and waiting. Now, I wait some more. This time to physically lose my baby. Her soul is gone, but her tiny body is with me. The possibility of surgery lies ahead. Neither option is what I want. I wanted a precious bundle to hold in October. Instead, I mourn and wait for more pain to come. Waiting is hard!

I am left wondering why, again. A third miscarriage seems almost too much to bear. It doesn’t make sense to me. It hurts. I am sad. All the while, I have prayed. I know that God is the Giver and Sustainer of life, so I wonder why He allowed our baby to die. I wonder why I must suffer…and why it has to be so drawn out. I wonder what He is doing. All normal feelings and questions when faced with the hard things of this life.

I’m thankful I can go to Him with the hard questions. That He cares and understands and gives comfort. He knows my heart. What would I do without Him?

As our pastor reminded recently, “Faith is taking God at His Word.” I say I have faith, now it’s time to live it. I say I believe His Word, now it’s time rely on it. I say He is good, but do I believe it when He allows such hard things to happen in my life?

I read the Psalms and they bring me comfort.

Psalm 33:4-5, “For the Word of the LORD holds true, and we can trust everything He does. He loves whatever is just and good; the unfailing love of the LORD fills the earth.” And it goes on to say in verses 20-22, “We put our hope in the LORD. He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. Let your unfailing love surround us, LORD, for our hope is in you alone.”

My hope is in Him and Him alone, for I trust His holy name. I believe His Word. Everything He does and allows is just and good. I don’t understand, but really I don’t have to. I trust Him. I choose faith. Faith that His unfailing love surrounds me and that He will see me through, as He promised He would.

My Loving Father holds my child in Heaven. I named her Faith. Someday when I reach the Gloryland and get to embrace Faith for the first time, she will be whole. His plan will be revealed. I will understand. Until then, I will trust, even on the hardest days, amidst tears, grief and even physical anguish. He is my comfort. He is my hope and confidence. He is enough. In Him alone do I trust.

The sky is full of dark looming clouds again today. I go about my daily activities as usual. I wait. I cry. I pray. I meditate on His Word. I trust Him. I kiss the cheeks of the two precious gifts He has given to me and my husband, our little sons. I thank Him. In the midst of the gloom, He lights up my darkness and fills me with hope.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I pray that YOU are filled with hope today too, my dear reading friend. Remember His Word is true and YOU can trust Him, no matter what your circumstances. Whatever you are going through, choose faith!

Follow up post to this one: Faith Continued

You might also want to read:  He Gives and Takes Away (a blog post I wrote after miscarriage #2)

In the midst of my loss, my miniature daffodils bloom. Life given!

“The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD” Job 1:22

He Gives and Takes Away

Last month, in April of 2011, we experienced our second miscarriage. I was 5½ weeks pregnant. We had spent the past 10 days rejoicing over our positive pregnancy test. Quickly, our rejoicing turned to heartbreak. I cried, “Oh no, not again, Lord!”

We had our first miscarriage in September of 2008, between our two healthy sons.That time I was 11 weeks pregnant. It was a long, hard process and, because my body did not go through the miscarriage process properly, I had to have a d&c surgery.

This time the loss was quick and no d&c was needed. I was thankful for that, but it was still hard. The waves of grief hit me and, although I knew it wasn’t the right question, I found myself asking God, “Why?”

My husband and I love the Lord. We live to honor and serve Him. We rejoiced over this pregnancy and gave Him much glory. We asked God to protect our baby. Yet, here we were, going through this AGAIN. It was hard to understand.

One morning I was doing my dishes, praying and listening to Christian radio. The song “Blessed Be Your Name” came on. “Blessed be the name of the Lord…you give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name.”

I even surprised myself when I whispered audibly, “Why DID you take my baby, Lord?” So clearly I felt Him speak to my heart, “He was never really yours in the first place.”

To someone who doesn’t know the Lord personally this may sound cold and uncaring. To me, it was comforting. I knew what He meant right away.

Although I don’t think he literally “took our baby away” from us, I trust that whatever He allows to happen in our lives, is for our best and that He will use it for good (Romans 8:28). I know that He has a plan for me and my family (Jeremiah 29:11). I know I can trust Him, even when I don’t understand (Proverbs 3:5). I know He gives and takes away (Job 1:21). I know His ways are so above my ways (Isaiah 55:8). I know He holds us securely in His hands (John 10:28).

He is God and I am not.

I must remember that even the two healthy children He’s given us belong to Him. What a gift! What an honor to be able to bring them up for Him! As much as we love them, He loves them even more. That’s almost inconceivable!! Yet, how reassuring to know that all four of our children, two in heaven and two here on this earth, are in His hands. There’s no safer place for them to be!

In the midst of our grieving, we celebrated Noah’s 1st birthday!

Look at our precious gift enjoying his 1st birthday:

The Lord GIVES life...and life most abundantly! 

Today I choose to rejoice in all that He GIVES!

No matter whether He gives or takes away, I will choose to praise Him. Even when I wonder why, I will choose to trust Him. In turn, He fills my heart with peace.

BLESSED be the name of the LORD!!

FOLLOW UP: Read about my 3rd Miscarriage HERE