Monday, March 26, 2012

Miscarriage #3: Faith in the Waiting

It's another gloomy day and I continue to wait. It's been 4 more days. I hesitated to share before because the pain is still raw. Today I feel compelled to share, thinking my story might help someone else who is hurting. Please read on.

I wrote the following on Thursday, March 22, 2012

Yesterday the sky was dark, dark clouds looming overhead. I noticed and thought it was reflective of the looming sadness in my heart. I had cried a lot the night before. I felt numb as I drove. I prayed. We made it to the hospital. After a shuffle of papers and pleasantries, I once again lied down on that cold table, in that dark room with the white tile ceiling.

Only 2 weeks before the sonographer found a tiny baby with a tiny heartbeat. Still, I continued to bleed and all signs were pointing to bad news. This time, I looked at the sonographers face for any signs as she moved the probe. Her expression was void. Before long she shared. She said the opposite of what I wanted to hear. This time a tiny baby, but no heartbeat. She was sorry. So was I. Oh, so was I! I could hardly stand to lie there a moment longer.

Already a slow and agonizing 2 ½ weeks of bleeding, wondering and waiting. Now, I wait some more. This time to physically lose my baby. Her soul is gone, but her tiny body is with me. The possibility of surgery lies ahead. Neither option is what I want. I wanted a precious bundle to hold in October. Instead, I mourn and wait for more pain to come. Waiting is hard!

I am left wondering why, again. A third miscarriage seems almost too much to bear. It doesn’t make sense to me. It hurts. I am sad. All the while, I have prayed. I know that God is the Giver and Sustainer of life, so I wonder why He allowed our baby to die. I wonder why I must suffer…and why it has to be so drawn out. I wonder what He is doing. All normal feelings and questions when faced with the hard things of this life.

I’m thankful I can go to Him with the hard questions. That He cares and understands and gives comfort. He knows my heart. What would I do without Him?

As our pastor reminded recently, “Faith is taking God at His Word.” I say I have faith, now it’s time to live it. I say I believe His Word, now it’s time rely on it. I say He is good, but do I believe it when He allows such hard things to happen in my life?

I read the Psalms and they bring me comfort.

Psalm 33:4-5, “For the Word of the LORD holds true, and we can trust everything He does. He loves whatever is just and good; the unfailing love of the LORD fills the earth.” And it goes on to say in verses 20-22, “We put our hope in the LORD. He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. Let your unfailing love surround us, LORD, for our hope is in you alone.”

My hope is in Him and Him alone, for I trust His holy name. I believe His Word. Everything He does and allows is just and good. I don’t understand, but really I don’t have to. I trust Him. I choose faith. Faith that His unfailing love surrounds me and that He will see me through, as He promised He would.

My Loving Father holds my child in Heaven. I named her Faith. Someday when I reach the Gloryland and get to embrace Faith for the first time, she will be whole. His plan will be revealed. I will understand. Until then, I will trust, even on the hardest days, amidst tears, grief and even physical anguish. He is my comfort. He is my hope and confidence. He is enough. In Him alone do I trust.

The sky is full of dark looming clouds again today. I go about my daily activities as usual. I wait. I cry. I pray. I meditate on His Word. I trust Him. I kiss the cheeks of the two precious gifts He has given to me and my husband, our little sons. I thank Him. In the midst of the gloom, He lights up my darkness and fills me with hope.

I pray that YOU are filled with hope today too, my dear reading friend. Remember His Word is true and YOU can trust Him, no matter what your circumstances. Whatever you are going through, choose faith!

Follow up post to this one: Faith Continued

You might also want to read:  He Gives and Takes Away (a blog post I wrote after miscarriage #2)

In the midst of my loss, my miniature daffodils bloom. Life given!
“The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD” Job 1:22


  1. such a vulnerable place to be. Your faith in His ways is solid, and that is encouraging to read. This is right on: " I say I have faith, now it’s time to live it. I say I believe His Word, now it’s time rely on it. I say He is good, but do I believe it when He allows such hard things to happen in my life?"
    it is in the difficult days that we are sharpened. So sorry for your loss. I will pray for you as He brings you to my mind.. This song by JJ Heller has encouraged me on dark days...

  2. Dear Rachel,
    I am so sorry for your loss, for your sorrow, for the hard part of waiting. Faith is sometimes just crying out to God, "I hurt!" and knowing He hears, He understands, and He cares. In the midst of sorrow, when we can't understand, faith trusts God's heart. Praying for you to feel His tenderness surround you and His Great Comforter hugging you all day and night.

  3. Dear sweet Rachel, I am so sorry for the loss of your darling Faith. You will be in my prayers. What beautiful treasure you have laid up in heaven. But I am sad with you, that she is not in your arms.

  4. Oh sweet Rachel, my heart HURTS for you and I am SO sorry for the loss of your precious Faith. Like you, I don't understand or like it, but I do know that God is WITH you as you grieve.

    May you sense God's tangible comfort, love, and healing my sweet friend. I'm adding you to my prayer list and will regularly lift you up. (((Hugs)))

  5. My heart is breaking for you my sweet friend. But your faith is unbelievable. God is truly using you through the sharing of your tribulation. Know that I'm praying for you daily, for continued faith in Gods plan, for comfort during this time of grief, and that He will again bless you with a precious child.

  6. I wish I lived close enough to wrap my arms around you in a great big hug. Not that it would fix a single's just what I wish I could do. I am so, so sorry, sweet Rachel. Know that I am praying for you and your precious family.

    Hug upon hug upon hug,

  7. I am SO SORRY you have to endure this, Rachel. I can't understand it or comprehend it, but I know that you are doing the very best with this situation that anyone could do. It's obvious that God is with you. God IS using this for good already. After reading your blog, and the other one about your second miscarriage I think of all the women who do not know what to do with their hurt, and who have turned away from God or won't open up to Him completely because of it. You are such a light to them,and to anyone going through indescribable pain without the answer to the question"Why?" You are in my thoughts and my prayers very often, and my heart goes out to you. I also feel such joy about one thing....I know a person in this world right now, who is a true woman of God, who reminds me of those in God's Word who also stood with faith in horrible situations, and who learned in whatever state they were in to be content. To truly trust their Lord and Savior. To KNOW that I have evidence that that kind of person still exists today gives me joy!!!! God IS working through you, and making good come from this very difficult, and saddening experience. Faith (your little one) could be a HUGE source of faith for so many who might not have been able to meet her in Heaven someday otherwise.

  8. I hurt with you, Rachel, but I know, not as much as you do.

  9. Oh, Rachel! I am so so sorry to hear this! :( I pray this Truth gives you some comfort, it is something I have to hold onto often. ...But if we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later. Rom 8:17-18
    Praying for you!

  10. Tears. For your loss and the beauty of your faith. God comforts and heals. Bless you Rachel.
    Love, Kathy

  11. Rachel, I am with you in prayer. I went througt it and the feeling of loss never really disappears. Just know that she is in a wonderful place and you will see her one day.


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