Friday, April 13, 2012

Faith Continued

I’ve wanted to write. I’ve even sat down, wrote and erased. Words don’t always come easily. My mind has often been a fog. At the moment so many words flood my mind. They don’t translate well from my head to the keyboard. My thoughts are scattered. My sentences are sometimes incomplete. Perhaps that’s okay. That’s where I am today. It’s honest.

If you missed my last post, you can read it here. It applies to everything else I write here.

The days following the death of our baby, I waited. Cramping. Pain. Tears. Sometimes miscarriages come fast. Sometimes they do not. Either way it’s not easy. More waiting. Waiting is hard. I wonder why, but I trust the One who made me, the One who loves me. “Lean not on your own understanding.”

I was reminded of my own life verse, the one that graces the header of this blog.

“As for God, His way is perfect.  All of the LORD’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection.” Psalm 18:30

Indeed, His way is PERFECT. Even when I don’t understand. Even when it hurts. I believe it. I know it is true. His way is perfect.

ALL of His promises prove true. Not some, all! His promises are for me, and He never breaks a promise. I can trust Him.

And He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection. When you look for Him, you will find Him (Jer 29:13). In the midst of all of life circumstances. He is my shield of protection. My strength, because I have none without Him.

He shows me that He sees me. He puts people in my path. A hug. A tear. A gift. A phone call, text or message. An “I love you.” All at the right time.

More days pass. Tough decisions. Tough days. A 3rd ultrasound. A d&c. Obvious answers to prayer. 

Thank you, Lord! I lift my voice in songs of praise. Rejoicing. How do you explain that? Joy, in the midst of the mourning. Worship in the hard. Praise for Who He is, because He loves. Comfort from the God of all comfort. How do you explain peace, the kind that passes all comprehension, the kind that comes only from Him? I experience that, and I am thankful.

Another scripture given, this time in a Bible study. I’ve read them many times before, but this time they take on special meaning.

“Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand His decisions and His ways! For who can know the LORD’s thoughts? Who knows enough to give Him advice? And who has given Him so much that He needs  to pay it back?  For everything comes from Him and exists by His power and is intended for His glory. All glory to Him forever! Amen.” Romans 11:33-36

HE gives, and HE takes away. My heart will choose to say blessed be His name. Not because it looks like I wanted it to, but because I believe that His way is perfect. Who am I to give Him advice? He knows what is best. I do not. His ways are so far above my ways! How can I even expect to understand? All glory to His name!

Life keeps moving. Responsibilities and schedules persist. Sadness remains. Grief is a process. I feel alone. Yes, I have the Great Comforter. But, people. Oh, people. People fail, as people often do. As I do.

Our baby died, the one we named Faith! Miscarriage is a private thing, or so I’m told. I think it should not be. We need other people, Christ in the flesh. People don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. It appears they don’t care, even if they do. It hurts. Loved ones, who you think should care the most, say little. It stings. Even those who ask seem to want “Fine” as an answer. It's lonely.

Prayers are appreciated. Acknowledgement of pain is helpful. A few friends choose to reach out beyond the “I’m sorry.” It is good. I am blessed and I know it. I know Him and am so grateful for that. And yet, in the quiet moments I still feel alone. It’s a normal feeling. Tears come yet again. He brings me to another verse, just what I needed, again.

“I cry out to the LORD; I plead for the LORD’s mercy.  I pour out my complaints before Him and
tell Him all my troubles. When I am overwhelmed, you alone know the way I should turn…

I look for someone to come and help me, but no one gives me a passing thought!  No one will help me, no one cares a bit what happens to me. Then, I pray to you, O LORD. I say, ‘You are my place of refuge. You are all I really want in life.’” Psalm 142:1-5

He reminded me that it is HIM that I really want. It is HIM that I really need. He is my place of refuge. He knows the way. He is my comfort. He is my hope. No one else. People fail. He does not! I pour out my soul to Him!

Last night a few close friends and I gathered for a Celebration of Life. We celebrated her earthly life, short as it was. We rejoiced that she is in His presence, eternal life. We celebrated friendship. We celebrated God's goodness, in all of life's circumstances.  I had no idea what to say. Words came as an answer to prayer. Tears flowed. Hearts joined in love, prayer and song. And I was reminded how truly blessed I am.  

Her life mattered. It mattered to me. It mattered to God, the Giver of her life. Her life affected me, changed me. Her life impacted others. God reveals His goodness in the midst of hardship. Beauty for ashes. He is real…and powerful…and personal. I praise Him for life. I praise Him for Faith!

Read a follow up post to this one: How to Help the Hurting

And a poem I wrote at the 1 year anniversary of the loss of Baby Faith: I Won't Forget


  1. Thank you for making your experience public. We do need each other. I have been wondering how you were doing and pray with you as the Lord brings you to mind.

    We lost our first baby ... ages ago.

    So glad to know that you have friends that are grieving with you.

  2. Thank-you for your uplifting spirit in the midst of all of your grief. God always knows what is best for us even tho we just can't understand why at times. People fail us, those we love dearly fail us and even our children fail us but God Never Fails. What a promise and knowing He has us in the palm of His hand is an Awesome reminder of Who He is. I was never able to share publicly about my 2 miscarriages until several years later. I grieved privately and nobody except Tony knew our loss. I commend you for sharing your heart and seeing that God is in control of every aspect of our lives. Love those 2 dear little boys that you have even more and may God grant you the desires of your heart.

  3. I pray for you daily, Rachel. You're right, though. I don't know what to say. I'm ignorant to the kind of pain you are experiencing. The loss. The pain. The grief. It would be too much for me. As I've said before, God is using you. Maybe in a way you do not yet know. Through the sharing of your journey, one the Creator is leading you on, is touching my life, impacting my faith, challenging me to a great faith in him.

    That's why the name you chose for your precious little girl is so appropriate. God-given, really. Challenging each of us to have the faith to make it through the smallest and the greatest battles in our lives.

    I can't imagine how lonely it must be, even with a loving husband by your side. Looking at your boys and trying to celebrate their lives while at the same time dieing inside at the loss of Faith's life. It must be so hard to do that a million times a day, as I would guess that you do.

    Clearly God is comforting and reassuring you through the Word. But know that their are many of us out here that are loving on you through prayer and faith in our Heavenly Father. That He would give you what you need right now, spiritually and physically. And to give you peace.That is all I know to do. Any words I would try to say to bring you comfort would be nothing compared to how He can fill your heart.

    Know that through this you are inspiring me, a woman who has never known that level of grief. I can only imagine how God is using you in the lives that have lost a child.

  4. Thank you for your comments! I pray, oh how I pray, that God WILL use this to help someone else. And it is both encouraging and humbling to hear that God would somehow use me to prompt someone else to trust Him more. I sooooo appreciate the prayers! And it is so true that HE is what my heart longs for. His love is what comforts. So I pray that, that is what the readers of this blog "learn", that putting your faith in Him is the best thing you can do, no matter what life circumstances you face, good or bad. He is REAL and He cares about every detail of our lives.

    Also, I want everyone to know that the words that I wrote about "feeling lonely" were not aimed toward anyone in particular. I have had many people reach out to me through messages here, via e-mail, facebook; I have a pile of cards sitting on my table; I've received flowers and gifts, calls, texts and real life hugs. (NOTE: much of this came because I shared my experience with others) All of this is appreciated and I know I am blessed!! And I appreciate the prayers being prayed across this country for me and my family more than you will ever know! I can feel them! God answers them!! Still, in the quiet, alone times it is part of grief to feel alone. BUT what my sweet LORD reminded me is that I am not alone because He is always near. And as we (the commenters below and I) said He is the one who never fails us! That's why we must go to Him, pour out our hearts and be comforted! It's a beautiful thing!

    One last thing: It's normal not to know what to say to someone who is hurting. I have been through 3 miscarriages and I still have no idea "what to say" or how I'm "suppose to" feel. :) I really, really appreciate it when others acknowledge our loss. It is nice to hear, "I don't know what to say...but I care, I'm here, and I love you." Then, it's even nicer when people follow up those words with their actions. Keep that in mind when someone close to you is hurting. Sometimes we get too wrapped up in what we will say, when all they might want is someone just to acknowledge their hurt and to listen.


  5. Having had different types of grief in my life, I understand when you say feel alone. No one on earth can feel exactly what you feel. There are no words to express the sorrow, to convey to others the exact feeling. Others may have gone through a similar situation, but each relationship is unique. That is when we take comfort that God knows. Isaiah 53 says Christ was a man of sorrows, and aquainted with grief. It also says he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows. The arms feel empty, the heart aches, but to know at least Jesus knows, really knows how we hurt is comforting. Many hugs to you Rachel and may God continue to bring beauty from the ashes.

  6. My heart continues to go out to you, Rachel. I would love to hear of how best to minister to one in grief in losing a child. Thank you for giving us insights. As you think of other things, I would appreciate hearing. I'm praying for you and all your family in your grief.

  7. Beautifully said and inspired by your grief & worship. Than you for are not alone my dear sister in Christ. ~Suzanne~


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