How to Help the Hurting (Miscarriage)

Previously I shared about my most recent miscarriage experience here. In the comments of this page and through personal messages, I received requests for more advice on how to minister to the hurting.

I hardly feel like an expert. I am certain that I have let hurting loved ones down in the past. And although it is my heartfelt desire not to, I know I am all too human and will most likely fail others again in the future (and may be letting someone down right at the moment). 

However, I have learned a few things through my time of grief, and would love to humbly share a few of those insights with you, knowing that I still have a lot to learn myself.

I think it’s so important that we, as believers in Jesus Christ, reach out to one another, in good times and in hard times alike. We are to be “Christ in the flesh”. We need to ask ourselves, “What would Jesus do?” He would love on the hurting and so should we.

Some things you must realize before we start: In my case we are referring to miscarriage, the loss of a baby in the womb. However, this advice could certainly apply to other kinds of hurt as well.

It is interesting to me that Christians often say they believe that life begins at conception (I DO!), and yet when someone has a miscarriage they act as if it is not a real loss. Miscarriage is a real loss! It is the loss of an unborn child that was wanted and loved. It is the loss of hopes and dreams. It hurts. It is okay for the person experiencing this loss to mourn. In fact, it is healthy and normal. Let them grieve and don’t minimize or ignore their grief.

Before approaching any hurting person pray for that person. Then, pray for yourself. Pray for God’s guidance, and for His words to fill your lips…and even for His wisdom to know when to close your mouth (to either listen or avoid hurtful words) when necessary. God filled His believers with His Holy Spirit. Ask Him to minister through you and He will!

  So now I am giving you a new commandment.

Love each other. Just as I have loved you,

you should love each other.

Your love for one another will prove to the world that

you are my disciples.” John 13:34-35 (Jesus speaking)

A few tips:

Say something: Acknowledge their loss and their pain. I think often times people say nothing because they don’t know what to say. Don’t get held back by your own lack of words. To me, it was really helpful to hear something like, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m sorry…and I’m here for you…and I love you.” Even after 3 miscarriages I still don’t know what to say myself, and I have no idea how I’m “suppose to” feel. There are no magic words to make the hurt stop and there is no “one size fits all” expression of sympathy. 

However, saying nothing is never the right option. Saying nothing makes it seem like you don’t care, even if you do. To the person going through it, it can be all consuming. Don’t ignore it. Be sincere. Don’t say things you don’t mean or can’t follow up with actions. Say you’re sorry. But my heartfelt advice is: don’t stop there because it’s hard for the grieving one to know how to respond to that. Follow it with more words like, “I’m praying for you” or something similar. Often times the hurting one doesn’t care as much about what you say, as they do about the acknowledgement of their hurt. Of course, you should avoid hurtful words at all costs. If you are in doubt, don’t say it.

Certainly, Jesus would say something.

Be willing to listen: Grief is lonely. Even as a Christian, you can feel very alone in your grief. Yes, God is there and you can pour your heart out to Him and that is absolutely amazing. Still, there are times when you feel like you need someone else, someone you can see, touch or even just hear on the phone to talk to. We need others. 

Sometimes people get so wrapped up in what they’re going to say or how they’re going to help the hurting person by saying or doing something grand, that they forget to simply take the time to listen. Sometimes the hurting person needs to talk and cry. I know dealing with loss, grief and tears makes some people uncomfortable, but you should remember the golden rule. Ask yourself “What would I want others to do for me, if I were in that situation?” The hurting person simply needs to process through their feelings and various stages of grief. It truly is a process! 

If you say, “I’m so sorry” one day, then the next time you see them you don’t even ask how they’re doing, you appear cold and uninterested. Ask questions and be willing to just listen. Not only will the person hurting get to talk, you will also learn more about how to help them and how to pray for them by listening to what they say. Reminder: there are also times when the hurting person does not want to talk, respect that too. Ask again later.

Certainly, Jesus would listen.

Remember to follow up: Don’t just say a few words then forget about them or act as if they should be “over it”. There were just a few people who continued to check up on me beyond the “I’m sorry.” It was nice to hear someone say they were praying for me (us). Yet, I felt like I needed more than a one time prayer or pat on the back. It was those few people who would check up on me from time to time who helped me the most. They showed they really cared. It was obvious to me that they really were praying, and therefore thought of and felt invested in me. 

In this modern day of cell phones it is easy to find time to make a call. And most people these days have either e-mail, texting or facebook. Drop them a message to ask something like, “How are you today?” or “I’m thinking of you. How can I pray?” An old school snail mail card or note is nice. A little gift is appreciated. Take a meal to them.  Each of these things are a reminder that they haven’t been forgotten.

Certainly, Jesus would remember.

Direct them to the LORD: No matter how much you do or what you say, there will be times when the hurting person will feel alone. That’s why it’s so important to direct them to the One who can help in ways you never can. The One who never fail, who never leaves nor forsakes them, who is the God of all comfort! 

Pray. Send them scriptures. Remind them that He is good and can be trusted and loves them more than they can comprehend, etc. Fill them with His Truth!  Tell them that He listens and cares 24/7. Don’t neglect to remind them of the hope they have in Him, and Him alone. In the lonely times, those things will come into their minds and will help more than anything else. He is the giver of peace.

I had four different women who prayed with me over the phone.  What a blessing!  They didn't just say, "I will pray for you", they prayed right then and there, when I needed it the most.  As they prayed I felt strengthened...and their words, reflecting on His power and goodness, encouraged me.  Pray with them or write out a prayer and send it to them. 

Certainly, Jesus would direct them to the Father.

A dear friend of mine gave me a book that was quite helpful as I grieved the loss of our baby. It’s called “The Art of Helping: What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting” by Lauren Littauer Briggs. 

I highly recommend this book to the person wishing to help the hurting AND as a gift to someone who is hurting. It covers various life circumstances like aging parents, chronic illness, loss of job, infertility, etc. Real women shared their insights with the author on what helped them, what didn’t and what they wish others understood. There is a chapter covering miscarriage. It was comforting for me to read this chapter because it was confirming that I wasn’t alone in my feelings. It would, of course, also be a great tool for those who want to minister to the hurting people in their life. As I implied before there is no “one size fits all” manual, but this book could give you a place to start and trigger some good ideas.

It might show you what Jesus would do.

I like the Casting Crowns song “Love them Like Jesus”. Read the words of one of the verses and the chorus:

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue, Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon, Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray, As the little one slips away

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words, You're trying to make sense of it all, They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view, They're looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him, His yoke is easy, His burden is light, You don't need the answers to all of life's questions, Just know that He loves them and stay by their side, Love them like Jesus

Yes, love them like Jesus!

To the one hurting: Remember to extend grace to the people in your life who don’t seem to “get it”. Remember that sometimes they just don’t know what to say. I know it’s hard, but you can choose to overlook their offenses (Proverbs 19:11). You can choose to love THEM like Jesus too.  Run to the One who will never fail you!!

“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort

others. When they are troubled, we will be able

to give them the same comfort

God has given us.” II Corinthians 1:4

What I Can't Do...

I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. It’s embarrassing to write, but it is true. Poor me. Why me?

We think, Noah, our youngest has a wheat intolerance. And I believe I do too, except I have often chosen to ignore it. I know I feel better when I cut wheat (and dairy) out of my diet. But, do you know how hard it is to eliminate wheat in our modern day American culture? Do you know that (at least it seem like) wheat is in almost every processed food available to us? That means none of our regular store bought breads, pastas, granola bars, pizzas, cookies, cereals, etc. Not only that, many of our condiments contain wheat and so do Campbell’s creamed soups…and the list goes on and on.

I enjoy cooking, but I’ve never learned to cook completely from scratch. No, I’ve always used those shortcuts that are so typical in most American kitchens. Do you know how much more time consuming it is cooking completely from scratch? This means relearning how to make almost everything.

Then, the thought hit me, “We will never be able to go out to eat again!” No more Pizza Hut or McDonald’s…not that either are healthy or even my favorite. Yet, they are convenient and to think that we can never eat at those restaurants again…ugh! How will we ever travel to Indiana to visit my family without a routine stop at McDonald’s?!

One day my mind was fixated on all the things we can’t eat and how I was going to readjust our “normal”. That night I read our oldest his nightly devotional. It retold the story of Eve in the garden. Hopefully, you’re familiar with this true tale. God told Adam and Eve they could eat from any of the trees in the perfect Garden of Eden except for one. The serpent tempted them. They ate from the forbidden tree.

In Andrew’s devotional it pointed out that there were many different kinds of trees in the garden. God told them they could eat from all those trees except for one. And yet, when they were tempted, they chose to eat the forbidden fruit. This was the beginning of the fall of man.

This spoke to my heart on so many different levels.

First, this was a reminder that God has provided many other food options for us. There are many other grains besides wheat. In addition, we have a deep freeze full of Angus Beef (best steaks, burger, roasts, even brats and wieners you ever tasted!). We have whole chickens, sweet corn, green beans, salsa, strawberries and jam in the freezer. We have our own canned applesauce, jelly and juice. We have chickens that lay fresh eggs for us every day. Not only that, there are tons of wheat free options at our local grocery store (there are more and more gluten free/wheat free options available these days than ever before), plus various meats, fruits and veggies.  No more McDonald's...so what?  I get healthy, nurishing food!

In reality, I just need to change my way of thinking…and do what is best and healthiest for my family.

Then, it hit me. This is like so many other things in my life. Sometimes my focus gets stuck on what I can’t have or what I don’t have, rather than on everything else God has provided for me.

I am so blessed! Yet, sometimes I focus on the stains on my living room carpet more than the little blessings from God who made them. Sometimes I focus on all the things that are “wrong” with the house, rather than all the things that are “right”. Sometimes I wonder why I can’t do this thing or that thing today, rather than “one of these days”, and I forget all that I do get to do today!

In November, I stepped down from my role on the Rise & Shine Women’s Retreat leadership team. It was a tough decision because I love that ministry. It is especially dear to my heart because I was one of original team members who helped start the conference. I enjoyed my role on the team, and found my God-given gifts were well put to use. And still, I felt God tugging at my heart to step back and focus more on my number one ministry, one He also called me to…home.

It seems like it should be easy to make a decision to simply “stay home” with the ones I love the most. It wasn’t…and still isn’t. Of course, it doesn’t makes sense to continue doing something, something I was doing for Him in the first place, when He has clearly showed me that it is time to step back. And still, at times, I feel a grief rise up in me over the loss of this role. I wonder why I can’t continue on (even though, in reality, the answer is right before me). I know He has called me into women’s ministry, so it doesn’t completely make sense. Yes, I’m still coordinating our local MOPS group, and I enjoy that. But, why would God want to “take this away from me”?

Then, I am reminded of all that He has given! I get to be a wife and a mom! I looooove being a wife and mom! I love my family! Even in a culture that generally devalues these roles, He does not!! He has chosen me for these role. What an honor! In this season of life, home is where I need to be most. My husband and sons are gifts from Him, whom I get to nurture. He isn’t taking anything away, He’s giving me an opportunity!! Although sometimes I feel so inadequate, He equips me for these daily roles, and is building my character for future ones.

Not only that, it’s amazing that I ever got to be on the Rise & Shine leadership team in the first place! What a wonderful experience! I learned so much about Him, myself and ministry. I will cherish the memories, remember the lessons and apply much of what I learned throughout the rest of my life…even now as I get to help encourage other moms at MOPS.

Furthermore, I see all He has provided. Not only has He provided a way to eternal life for me through Jesus Christ, He provides all I need for each day. I reflect on the destructive road I was once headed down, how He provided a way out, and gave me this life, one better than I had ever dared to dream of. I’m not perfect, I still fail Him and yet, He forgives me again (and again). He continues to love me.

Another thought: sometimes people get so fixated on what they can’t do as a Christian (or if they became one) that they loose sight of what God provides for those who love, honor and obey Him. They don’t want to give up what they want, but forget about the peace, hope and joy it will bring if they surrender their will to Him.

In reality, I don’t want my way, I want God’s best…in all areas of my life!

No more feeling sorry for myself. I must change my focus from what I can’t do and what I don’t have to all He has provided! I am grateful!!

Could you use a change of focus too?

…be content with what you have, because God has said,

 "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

Christmas…traditions, memories and focus

I haven’t blogged in a while. Sorry, I haven’t meant to be scarce, but the month of December brings a different focus for me.

December is busy…but in a good way. Busy with the fun stuff that memories are made of. Things like decorating a gingerbread house, stringing popcorn garland, making cutout cookies and wrapping gifts. Andrew and I have been having a lot of fun!

The snow in Iowa puts a twist on things and often makes travel from day to day a bit iffy (thank goodness for online shopping).

In the snow and ice we must make time for sledding (well they sled, I get out the camera and camcorder)! Oh, the joy of living on a gravel road!

Just trying to keep our 8 month old, Noah, away from the tree is a full time job! :) He’s crawling everywhere and pulling himself up to standing these days. He's growing and learning...and is very busy! 

So far his favorite thing about Christmas is the wrapping paper! :) 

I've been very reminiscent the last several days. I think Christmas tends to bring that out in me. I got to thinking about traditions. I don't remember many. I think my mom’s “tradition” was to do something different every year. We did a lot of fun things, usually involving making something, but we didn’t usually do it more than once. She always tried to think of something new and different and fun to do. Which I've realized was a fun tradition!  :)

As I've reminisced about Christmas’ past, I thought of all kinds of good memories…from yearly stockings full to the brim with all the little stuff that I loved (that was my favorite part)...to finding my Christmas presents in my mom’s closet one year and being MORE excited on Christmas Eve than ever because I couldn’t wait to play with that walking, barking dog (that was GREAT technology in the 80s, you know?!) that I had found...to playing “bingo” with my family (siblings, nieces, nephews, etc) every year. I loved being with my family! My mom made every Christmas magical and fun and special! So the one “tradition” I cherish the most is the LOVE that I felt…every year!

One of the greatest memories had to do more with giving gifts than it did receiving them. A very kind woman named, Margie, offered to take me Christmas shopping for my mom. She took me to town, gave me a budget and told me I could pick whatever I wanted for my mom. I loved it! I loved it sooo much! She marveled at how far I could make the dollars stretch.

When I was done picking my treasures, we would head back to her house to wrap the presents. I loved that too! Margie was patient and kind. Her husband, Jim (my mom’s first cousin), was sitting in the recliner when we arrived. I thought he was so nice and I loved his teasing and attention. Wrapping gifts was fun.

I felt like my little heart would burst I was so happy! Just thinking about my mom opening these gifts on Christmas morning simply thrilled me! Then, as if that wasn’t enough, Margie appeared with a gift…for me! I didn’t expect it. I was thoroughly surprised…and sooo happy! It was a Cabbage Patch doll…a real one, not a knockoff, a real one! :) Valerie Imogene, that was her name. She had pretty red hair and I loved her. And I could hardly wait for Christmas Day so my mom could open the gifts I knew she was going to love too.

Margie took me shopping like that for 3 years (if I remember right). My mom still has some of the gifts I picked for her…and I still have all 3 gifts that Margie gave to me. What great memories! And it’s all because someone chose to go out of their way to be loving and kind!! Jim and Margie didn’t have to do that, but they chose to…and that little girl, now a mommy herself, will never forget the LOVE!

Andrew and I have enjoyed a lot of fun Christmas activities together this year (and Noah will join us when he gets old enough). It will be interesting to see what traditions “stick” and which do not. What memories they will have and which ones they will forget. But, above all else I hope they remember the LOVE that surrounded them.

This year, I can hardly wait for our little boys to open their gifts because I know they’re eyes are going to light up. I’m thankful for the time with family and friends. I'm thankful for the time I had with my family in Indiana earlier this month and that we get to spend time with my husband's family later this month.  I pray these very important people will feel the LOVE that I have for them and HIS love shining through me! And that I can find ways to reach out to others like Margie did to me...without expecting anything in return.

So, I guess in short, this holiday season I am trying to spend time focusing on what is most important…LOVE. Although I often fall short and have to start all over again the next day, I’m focusing on my friends and family, my little ones and the little One who was born to die for my sins (and yours). He is the reason for it all! So thankful for the LOVE He showed...and continues to show to us each and every day!

No matter where you are in life...you can choose to do the same!

Make your own attitude that of Christ Jesus, who, existing in the form of God, did not consider equality with God as something to be used for His own advantage. Instead He emptied Himself by assuming the form of a slave, taking on the likeness of men. And when He had come as a man in His external form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death-even death on a cross. Philippians 2:5-8

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13

NO GREATER LOVE!!

What is your favorite memory? Your favorite tradition?

Where is your focus this Christmas? I’d enjoy hearing about it!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, friends!