Remain Faithful

Last August I attended ReNEWed Life Women's Event for the first time as an attendee rather than an organizer.  I had just made it through eight weeks of recovery after spinal surgery, so it was good just to be out and feeling decent.  The music was good.  The speakers were good.  The atmosphere was good.

But I was distracted.

I heard the speaker talking that morning about God's goodness and faithfulness.  These were things I know to be true.  In fact, I had experienced God's goodness and faithfulness personally in the past, through all my health issues and three miscarriages.  Yet, my mind was spinning this particular morning.  I wasn't experiencing peace.  My husband and I had just received our first call for an adoptive placement...of three children. 

I questioned the LORD.  "Is this really what you want us to do?"  I questioned my own ability.  "How can I do this?  We already have two young children...now three more , virtually the same age as our two.  Really, Lord?"  I questioned God's direction.  "Is this really what you're wanting us to do?"  My mind was whirling through all the details.  I couldn't concentrate on anything else it seemed.  I was trying to figure it out.  Reason.  To see what God was doing.  I was anxious.

It wasn't until the afternoon session that my mind settled down a bit.  At least enough to hear the speaker say something like because God is good and faithful, He asks us to remain faithful.  Then, while another speaker shared her testimony, she said something like through her experience she had realized she was a control freak, and my eyes filled with tears.  It hit me.  I didn't need to have it all figured out.  No, I needed to relinquish control and remain faithful.  To do the next right thing.  To trust Him.  That's what God was calling me to do.

Well, it turned out, as usual, I had no idea what lied ahead in the days to come.  But God knew.  And I was thankful for the reminders I heard that day.

It didn't work out with the three children.  God made it clear that it wasn't the right placement for them or us.  So I had wasted a lot of time fretting about something that didn't even happen.

In September, we received another call, this time about an 11 month old boy.  Our family spent two months getting to know this little boy in hopes of adopting him, only to have some distant relatives in another state come forward and say they wanted him.  In Iowa, relatives get top preference.

That really hurt, not only my husband and me, but our two little boys who had fallen in love with him.  They were excited to welcome him as their little brother.  This made no sense to me.  I truly felt we had followed God's lead to pursue this adoption.  Sure, we had prayed for God's best.  But how could we not be the best for him, right?!  So, again, I wondered what God was doing.  I wondered why He allowed this to happen.  But we kept moving forward in faith. 

In November, there was a precious baby girl.  That didn't work out.  I just wasn't ready physically or emotionally.  I didn't realize it at first.  Fortunately, she went to another loving home instead.

Then, in December, we found out I was pregnant!  After me having 2 years of early pre-menopausal symptoms and having had three miscarriages, we were just thrilled to be expecting a baby!  We reasoned, this must be why things didn't work out with the other kiddos (always trying to figure it out). 

It seemed like the pregnancy was progressing well.  I was showing early and experiencing all the pregnancy symptoms that I experienced with my two healthy pregnancies.  We announced it to the world in January.  We were excited!  Everyone else was excited along with us!

A few weeks later we lost our baby; a fourth miscarriage.  Honestly, it just seemed too much.  I mourned deeply.  But the same words came out of my mouth, "God is good.  God is faithful."  I was reminded again, that I also needed to remain faithful...even though I didn't understand (and still don't). 

This scripture ministered to me in my grief:

Romans 11:33-36 (NLT)
³³ Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!

³⁴ For who can know the Lord’s thoughts?
    Who knows enough to give him advice?^[a]
35 And who has given him so much
    that he needs to pay it back?^[b]

³⁶ For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen.

We were still grieving and we were on hold from taking foster and adoptive placement calls, when one day I opened up my Facebook to read a message from a dear friend I had made through the connection with the 11 month old boy I mentioned earlier; the foster mom of the little boy we didn't get to adopt.  She said she knew it might not be the right time, but the situation was time sensitive so she was just going to throw it out there.  She had heard about two children legally free for adoption that she thought might be a good fit for our family.

At first my husband, Alan, said, "No way!"  We were still mourning.  I was still recovering physically.  So I thought about just saying we weren't interested.  In fact, I went to my Facebook and began a message.   But I didn't feel right saying no.  So, instead, we agreed to pray about it for a few days.

After a lot of prayer, a few phone calls, meeting the kids and having visits with them for a month, those two precious kiddos moved in with us in March.  Legal adoption day is quickly approaching.

Through this adoption process God has asked me over and over to surrender.  To relinquish control.  To stop trying to figure it out.  To trust Him.  To walk forward in faith, faithfully.  It hasn't always been easy.  But... 

God is good.  God is faithful.  We need to remain faithful to Him.  Surrendered.

Through all the ups and downs of life this past year, God was a work.  Even though I don't need to know all the "whys", God is good to give us little glimpses into His glory.  It helps us press forward in faith.  For instance, when things didn't work out with the then 11 month old boy, it just didn't make sense to me.  But it was through our connection with him that we met his foster mom who connected us with the two children we have now.  He's also in a very good place for him.  The LORD is good and faithful.  He is sovereign.  He provides.

Faith is something we talk a lot about.  But it's another thing to live it.  Faith is an action.  It's taking God at his Word.  It's remaining faithful, even when (especially when!) it doesn't make sense to us.  When we can't see.  Because even when it doesn't feel true, God is good and faithful.  And He's always up to something...so much more than we can even fathom, in fact.

I mess up a lot.  I want to control.  I want to know.  I'm not always faithful.  But God is!  I'm so thankful for His grace.  But I long to live a life more wholly surrendered to Him.  To trust Him more.  It's a process and a daily choice.  None of us know what tomorrow holds.  God does.  I must remember His faithfulness in the past...and keep moving forward.

Will you join me, friend?  

Another Lesson I Learned From My Child

Motherhood can be so humbling...especially when it's your children who keep teaching YOU things. 

I'm a homeschool mom.  I spend my days with my two boys.  I teach them reading, writing, arithmetic, etc.  But we also talk a lot about character and Biblical truth. 

Recently our family fell in love with a foster child.  He spent weekends bonding with us.  We all enjoyed him so much and it felt so perfect, a great match in every way.  We thought he would soon come to live with us, that he would become our son/brother. 

Then, as the termination of parental rights hearing neared, after the child had already spent several months in foster care, some distant relatives who had never met him and live in another state came forward.  They decided they wanted to be considered as the primary adoptive family.  In our state (Iowa), relatives to the fourth degree of kinship (!!!) receive preference over foster/adoptive families.

I've found myself irritated at "the system" and the laws in our great state of Iowa.

I've found myself frustrated that caring DHS workers can't make decisions that seem to be in the child's best interest, like turning away distant relatives who don't even know a child and live all the way across the country, because of laws that don't make sense and seem to even frustrate them.  Have we lost all common sense?

I've found myself so angry that this precious little one will remain in foster care much longer than necessary, remaining in limbo and unable to get settled into his forever family, because of relatives who don't seem to be thinking of what is best for him.  If they pass their home study process months from now, he will be drug off across the country with complete strangers, having everyone and everything he knows disappear from his life, and without any transition into his new home.  Perhaps they think he's too young to remember.  They're probably right, but he won't forget the feelings associated with such loss and change.  It's unfortunate that they don't mind putting him through this when it could be avoided.  He's a real person with real feelings.  We have developed a relationship with his foster family and would continue his contact with them, the only family he's ever really known.  It's a great loss for them too.  It just doesn't seem right! 

My heart has been breaking over the loss of this little one!  I've prayed.  I've cried.  I've consoled my two little boys many times as they mourn this "little brother".  I've asked God "Why?" many times...with no real answer.  I've asked for strength, wisdom and peace for everyone involved.  I've tried to remain faithful and faith-filled, trusting the One in control of all things.

Last night our 7 year old, Andrew, brought up this little one in conversation again.  We both agreed, we miss him.  I asked him, "Have you been praying about it?"  He quickly said, "Not really."  My heart cried out, "Have I taught you nothing?!"  Then, I calmly asked, "Why not?"  And here it is...the moment when it felt like a 2x4 across my head...

He said, "Well, I believe God is doing His best.  We already prayed about it and I don't think I have to just keep on asking.  He's doing His best, Mom."

"Oh, yes, Andrew, you're right!  We need to thank God that He's working."

When we prayed together before bedtime I thanked God for the lesson I received from Him through my son.  For the reminder that He is doing His best...just as we asked Him to.  Oh, to have the faith of a child!

I remembered a quote from author and speaker, Susie Larson, "God's will for you is your best-case scenario."

I don't understand why.  I'm still frustrated with "the system".  But, ultimately, God is in control.  I can choose to trust that He's looking out for our best interest, and the best interest of this darling child.  I will keep praying that God's will, will be done and that we and others involved will cooperate with Him.  I will thank Him for hearing and answering our prayers.  I will praise Him for giving us His BEST.    

Thanks for the reminder, Andrew!  You are part of God's best-case scenario for me.    :)

Andrew with the pumpkin he carved for me this fall :)

“And when you are praying, do not use meaningless repetition as the Gentiles do, for they suppose that they will be heard for their many words. “So do not be like them; for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.  Pray, then, in this way: Our Father who is in heaven, Hallowed be Your name.  Your kingdom come.  Your will be done, On earth as it is in heaven.  Give us this day our daily bread.  And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.  And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil.  For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen."  Matthew 6:7-13

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

 

For the word of the Lord holds true,
    and we can trust everything he does.
He loves whatever is just and good;
    the unfailing love of the Lord fills the earth.

Psalm 33:4-5

God is Sovereign. I am Grateful

Life happens. We live in a fallen, imperfect world. Struggles are part of it. Because it's unpredictable, it can seem scary to us at times; even frustrating.  We can't control it. We don't see the big picture...or even the small one sometimes.

Several loved ones struggling hard. A friend who lost her dad to cancer. Another friend walking through infertility. Others killed in their prime. Another friend walking through the devastation of divorce. Others hospitalized. So many lost and hurting. My own neck pain and upcoming surgery...just as we finish our foster care classes. 

Why God? Where are you in all of this mess?  What are you doing?

But God is Sovereign. 

Definition: Sovereignty means that God, as the ruler of the Universe, has the right to do whatever he wants. Further, he is in complete control over everything that happens.

I am so grateful to know this.

When we're thinking clearly, with a proper perspective (as my Pastor has been teaching), we will know what seems bad, downright lousy, completely devastating and out of  our control will turn out for good because HE is good.  HE is in control!  We can trust Him...even when we don't see it. Even when we don't feel it. Even when our prayers are not answered the way we think they should be.  Believing this requires us to put faith into action; to take God at His Word.

What seems adverse will advance THE agenda (as my Pastor also taught), God's agenda.  He has a plan. And that plan includes the spreading of the Gospel...through me, through you.  How we react will determine how He is glorified.  How much we lean on Him will determine how much He is able to strengthen and comfort us in all of our afflictions. He is able. He is willing. We must turn to Him and truly trust Him.

I'm praying that through our Seemingly Adverse Affairs (my Pastor's words, not mine) that our LORD will enable and strengthen us, me and you, to cooperate with Him in THE agenda, His agenda. And that our faith will rest in Him, the Faithful One.

I am so grateful to know He is Sovereign!

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.  Ephesians 3:20-21

 

 

I am participating in 5 Minute Friday with Lisa-Jo Baker.

Click on the 5 Minute Friday icon above to see what others wrote about today's word: GRATEFUL

His Eye Is On Me

Over the past few years I have dealt with numerous health issues.  It's not like I have cancer, but it's been a bunch of "small" stuff, one thing after another, for so long that I barely remember what it's like to feel well anymore.  Honestly, I get so weary with it.  Like most women my age I have a lot of irons in the fire, a lot of responsibilities and calls on my life.  I don't have time to be sick.  So all of this frustrates me.  And, well, it's just no fun feeling bad almost all the time.

I'm not a complainer.   I don't sit around.  On the contrary, I'm quite active.  I don't moan and groan or pout (most of the time).  I'm actually quite spirited and upbeat.  And so I know others have no idea (or at least little idea) how bad I feel most days.

I detest pity, so know I don't write this to gain your sympathy.  No, I write this because I wonder if there are others who have felt the frustration I've felt, and continue to feel.  I wonder if others know where hope is found when life is hard...and things aren't going as you planned...and you just don't feel good, day after day.

NOTE: This is going to get long.  Please stick with me.  I promise it isn't a pity party.  And I think you will be glad you stuck around for the end of this post.  :)

Throughout the night on Saturday, I lied awake until 5:00 am.  In pain.  Tired.  Weary.  Again.  The next morning I watched  as my family took off to church without me (a rarity).  We had a very important graduation to attend that afternoon and two graduation parties that I didn't want to miss.  Yet the pain wasn't subsiding and the tiredness seemed overwhelming.    

I tried to pray.  But my prayers felt empty.  I felt discouraged.  Alone.  Weary and worn.  Tears came.  It isn't the first time I've felt this way.  But this time I had quiet time to talk to God, out loud.  I cried out to Him in frustration.  It wasn't some pretty, fluffy prayer.  It was a gut wrenching conversation.

Then I looked out the kitchen window to see my fine feathered friends, Boston orioles, hummingbirds and downy woodpeckers, all enjoying a drink from our little hummingbird feeder right outside our back door.  These birds have brought me so much enjoyment this spring.

In a way only God can speak to a heart, I heard His whisper, "My eye is on the sparrow."   My heart whispered back, "Yes, LORD, I know."  Tears came again.

What is the price of two sparrows--one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it.  Matthew 10:29

He knows.  He knows just what's going on with me, inside and out, when no one else does...or understands...or even cares.  He knows.  He cares.  He understands.  Nothing happens apart from his will.  And He promises to work all things together for good for those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)

What hope!  Even when I don't understand, I can trust Him, knowing He has my best in mind.  He will never leave me nor forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5)  He will give me the strength I need. (Isaiah 41:10)

I began to sing "His Eye is on the Sparrow"...

Why should I feel discouraged,

Why should the shadows come,

Why should my heart be lonely

And long for Heav'n and home?

When Jesus is my portion,

My constant Friend is He:

His eye is on the sparrow,

And I know He cares for me;

His eye is on the sparrow,

And I know He watches me.

I felt good enough on Sunday afternoon to attend the graduation and the parties.  

On Monday morning, the neatest thing happened.  My husband came in the house with a hummingbird in his hand!

He found it in his grain shed.  It was cold and weak, near to death.

Our 6 year old scientist-in-training came up with the idea to make it a nest and put it under a lamp to get it warm. 

We gave it nectar (sugar water) with a medicine dropper.  It's eyes were closed and it was barely breathing.  But every once in a while it would get a drop of nectar. 

We watched as his breathing got heavier.

Here his eyes were still closed

Before long he opened his eyes.  He started rustling his feathers and turned his head side to side.  Then spread his wings! 

Suddenly, he began to fly around! 

He liked the fluorescent light above.  Once we turned it off he flew all around. 

Then perched on the ceiling fan. 

Then on the swag above the curtain.  Can you see him perched up there? :) 

We brought the hummingbird feeder in and stuck it on top of the refrigerator.  He went right to it and drank away.  In the picture above he was taking a break between drinks. 

He looks like an ornament perched up there, doesn't he?!  But he was as real as can be.

Later we released him and he flew off with (what we think was) his mate.

What a unique and tremendous experience this was for our family!!

God spoke to me again through the life of this little hummingbird.  His eye is on the hummingbird too!!

This time God used my husband, and his family, to save the life of one of His little creatures.  

How much more does He care for me, His beloved child.

He sees.  He knows.  He cares.
His eye is on me!

I sing because I'm happy, (I’m happy)

I sing because I'm free, (I’m free)

For His eye is on the sparrow,

And I know He watches me.

Don't lose heart, my friend.  He see you too!

Here

Today I'm joining Lisa-Jo Baker for 5 Minute Friday...

Not for comments or traffic or anyone else’s agenda. But for pure love of the written word. For joy at the sound of syllables, sentences and paragraphs all strung together by the voice of the speaker.

Just write without worrying if it’s just right or not. For five minutes flat with no editing, tweaking or self critiquing (seriously hard for me...and that's why I need to do it!).

 

 

Today's prompt is "Here..."

 

It's here that I live.  It's here that I love.  It's here that I worship.  It's here that I care for the lives He's given me.  I moved to this place I call Beranville eight and a half years ago.  Never dreamed I would live in Iowa.  But here I am. 

 

I'll be honest, there have been days when I've wonder how I ever got here, and why here and why now.  Whenever those thoughts cross my mind God gives me a gentle, or sometimes not so gentle, reminder.   I come across that person I would have never met had I not come here.   And I remember the opportunties He's given me here that may have never come had I stayed there.  Chances to minister and be ministered to.  And I am thankful.  Over and over, I'm thankful. 

 

What if I had never come here?  What if I had never met the Iowa farmer that I love and married him?   Or had the two precious children that have come from that union?  I'm so thankful that He brought me here.  His plans are so much better than ours.

 

I'm here for a purpose...and you are there for a purpose.  Do you see Him in your "here"?   

Control Freak

I’m a control freak.

There, I admitted it. They say admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery, right? Hmm…I’ve admitted it several times and still, change comes slowly.

I have been reminded over and over lately that I am not the one in control. God is. And, yet, somehow I seem to cling to this false sense of some type of control. I go along trusting God and following His lead closely for a while, and then, it’s as if I forget. I find myself beginning to fret and wonder, trying to plan out my life and seeking after my desires.  I believe many of us all too easily slip away from what we know to be true.  He is God, and we are not.

As I read earlier this week I was reminded that my Lord has all authority (Matt 9:6-7). Then, that I need to seek Him and His kingdom above all things (Matt 6:33). It’s all too easy to chase after the things of this world even when we think we are not. We try to plan our lives. We seek after satisfaction in things, activities and even our families. We get tangled up in self-promotion, recognition and what others think of us.

Matthew 6:33 says to seek after Him, His kingdom, first and live righteously, then we will be given everything we need. Everything we need. Not what we think we need…what we do need. That’s where trust comes in. He knows what we really need, we don’t. Not really. And we have to trust His plan for our lives, moment by moment, step by step. Even when it’s hard. Even when, especially when, it’s not easy to see why, and where that next step is going to take us.

The control freak in me wants to see the plan laid out before me. To know how things will turn out and what that will look like. That’s not faith. So I submit again to the One who has all authority. The One Who called me to seek after Him, first and only. And in faith believe that He, the source of all we need, will provide at just the right time and in just the right way, always.

The control freak in me wants to please everyone, have the perfect family, to know that all of my needs will be met. But He asks us to trust Him. To seek after Him first. That means to seek to obey and please him first. That means to find satisfaction in Him first. That means letting go of our "perfect" plan to rely on Him, the One who knows the perfect plans He has for us (Jer 29:11).

What consumes your control freak thoughts? That next step. Marriage. Children. Safety. What others think. Your job. A ministry opportunity. Rain. Fear of failure. Whatever it is, submit your desires, dreams, plans and wants to the Lord of all authority. Trust Him. Seek His kingdom and live righteously. When you do He promises to provide all you really need. And He never breaks a promise!

Great Quote:

"This is the blessed life--not anxious to see far in front, nor eager to choose the path, but quietly following behind the Shepherd, one step at a time....The Oriental shepherd was always out in front of the sheep. He was down in front. Any attack upon them had to take him into account. Now God is down in front. He is in the tomorrows. It is tomorrow that fills men with dread. God is there already. All the tomorrows of our life have to pass Him before they can get to us."  Rev F.B. Meyer, Streams in the Desert

Faith Continued

I’ve wanted to write. I’ve even sat down, wrote and erased. Words don’t always come easily. My mind has often been a fog. At the moment so many words flood my mind. They don’t translate well from my head to the keyboard. My thoughts are scattered. My sentences are sometimes incomplete. Perhaps that’s okay. That’s where I am today. It’s honest.

If you missed my last post, you can read it here. It applies to everything else I write here.

The days following the death of our baby, I waited. Cramping. Pain. Tears. Sometimes miscarriages come fast. Sometimes they do not. Either way it’s not easy. More waiting. Waiting is hard. I wonder why, but I trust the One who made me, the One who loves me. “Lean not on your own understanding.”

I was reminded of my own life verse, the one that graces the header of this blog.

“As for God, His way is perfect.  All of the LORD’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection.” Psalm 18:30

Indeed, His way is PERFECT. Even when I don’t understand. Even when it hurts. I believe it. I know it is true. His way is perfect.

ALL of His promises prove true. Not some, all! His promises are for me, and He never breaks a promise. I can trust Him.

And He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection. When you look for Him, you will find Him (Jer 29:13). In the midst of all of life circumstances. He is my shield of protection. My strength, because I have none without Him.

He shows me that He sees me. He puts people in my path. A hug. A tear. A gift. A phone call, text or message. An “I love you.” All at the right time.

More days pass. Tough decisions. Tough days. A 3^rd ultrasound. A d&c. Obvious answers to prayer. 

Thank you, Lord! I lift my voice in songs of praise. Rejoicing. How do you explain that? Joy, in the midst of the mourning. Worship in the hard. Praise for Who He is, because He loves. Comfort from the God of all comfort. How do you explain peace, the kind that passes all comprehension, the kind that comes only from Him? I experience that, and I am thankful.

Another scripture given, this time in a Bible study. I’ve read them many times before, but this time they take on special meaning.

“Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand His decisions and His ways! For who can know the LORD’s thoughts? Who knows enough to give Him advice? And who has given Him so much that He needs  to pay it back?  For everything comes from Him and exists by His power and is intended for His glory. All glory to Him forever! Amen.” Romans 11:33-36

HE gives, and HE takes away. My heart will choose to say blessed be His name. Not because it looks like I wanted it to, but because I believe that His way is perfect. Who am I to give Him advice? He knows what is best. I do not. His ways are so far above my ways! How can I even expect to understand? All glory to His name!

Life keeps moving. Responsibilities and schedules persist. Sadness remains. Grief is a process. I feel alone. Yes, I have the Great Comforter. But, people. Oh, people. People fail, as people often do. As I do.

Our baby died, the one we named Faith! Miscarriage is a private thing, or so I’m told. I think it should not be. We need other people, Christ in the flesh. People don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. It appears they don’t care, even if they do. It hurts. Loved ones, who you think should care the most, say little. It stings. Even those who ask seem to want “Fine” as an answer. It's lonely.

Prayers are appreciated. Acknowledgement of pain is helpful. A few friends choose to reach out beyond the “I’m sorry.” It is good. I am blessed and I know it. I know Him and am so grateful for that. And yet, in the quiet moments I still feel alone. It’s a normal feeling. Tears come yet again. He brings me to another verse, just what I needed, again.

“I cry out to the LORD; I plead for the LORD’s mercy.  I pour out my complaints before Him and

tell Him all my troubles. When I am overwhelmed, you alone know the way I should turn…

I look for someone to come and help me, but no one gives me a passing thought!  No one will help me, no one cares a bit what happens to me. Then, I pray to you, O LORD. I say, ‘You are my place of refuge. You are all I really want in life.’” Psalm 142:1-5

He reminded me that it is HIM that I really want. It is HIM that I really need. He is my place of refuge. He knows the way. He is my comfort. He is my hope. No one else. People fail. He does not! I pour out my soul to Him!

Last night a few close friends and I gathered for a Celebration of Life. We celebrated her earthly life, short as it was. We rejoiced that she is in His presence, eternal life. We celebrated friendship. We celebrated God's goodness, in all of life's circumstances.  I had no idea what to say. Words came as an answer to prayer. Tears flowed. Hearts joined in love, prayer and song. And I was reminded how truly blessed I am.  

Her life mattered. It mattered to me. It mattered to God, the Giver of her life. Her life affected me, changed me. Her life impacted others. God reveals His goodness in the midst of hardship. Beauty for ashes. He is real…and powerful…and personal. I praise Him for life. I praise Him for Faith!

Read a follow up post to this one: How to Help the Hurting

And a poem I wrote at the 1 year anniversary of the loss of Baby Faith: I Won't Forget

What I Can't Do...

I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. It’s embarrassing to write, but it is true. Poor me. Why me?

We think, Noah, our youngest has a wheat intolerance. And I believe I do too, except I have often chosen to ignore it. I know I feel better when I cut wheat (and dairy) out of my diet. But, do you know how hard it is to eliminate wheat in our modern day American culture? Do you know that (at least it seem like) wheat is in almost every processed food available to us? That means none of our regular store bought breads, pastas, granola bars, pizzas, cookies, cereals, etc. Not only that, many of our condiments contain wheat and so do Campbell’s creamed soups…and the list goes on and on.

I enjoy cooking, but I’ve never learned to cook completely from scratch. No, I’ve always used those shortcuts that are so typical in most American kitchens. Do you know how much more time consuming it is cooking completely from scratch? This means relearning how to make almost everything.

Then, the thought hit me, “We will never be able to go out to eat again!” No more Pizza Hut or McDonald’s…not that either are healthy or even my favorite. Yet, they are convenient and to think that we can never eat at those restaurants again…ugh! How will we ever travel to Indiana to visit my family without a routine stop at McDonald’s?!

One day my mind was fixated on all the things we can’t eat and how I was going to readjust our “normal”. That night I read our oldest his nightly devotional. It retold the story of Eve in the garden. Hopefully, you’re familiar with this true tale. God told Adam and Eve they could eat from any of the trees in the perfect Garden of Eden except for one. The serpent tempted them. They ate from the forbidden tree.

In Andrew’s devotional it pointed out that there were many different kinds of trees in the garden. God told them they could eat from all those trees except for one. And yet, when they were tempted, they chose to eat the forbidden fruit. This was the beginning of the fall of man.

This spoke to my heart on so many different levels.

First, this was a reminder that God has provided many other food options for us. There are many other grains besides wheat. In addition, we have a deep freeze full of Angus Beef (best steaks, burger, roasts, even brats and wieners you ever tasted!). We have whole chickens, sweet corn, green beans, salsa, strawberries and jam in the freezer. We have our own canned applesauce, jelly and juice. We have chickens that lay fresh eggs for us every day. Not only that, there are tons of wheat free options at our local grocery store (there are more and more gluten free/wheat free options available these days than ever before), plus various meats, fruits and veggies.  No more McDonald's...so what?  I get healthy, nurishing food!

In reality, I just need to change my way of thinking…and do what is best and healthiest for my family.

Then, it hit me. This is like so many other things in my life. Sometimes my focus gets stuck on what I can’t have or what I don’t have, rather than on everything else God has provided for me.

I am so blessed! Yet, sometimes I focus on the stains on my living room carpet more than the little blessings from God who made them. Sometimes I focus on all the things that are “wrong” with the house, rather than all the things that are “right”. Sometimes I wonder why I can’t do this thing or that thing today, rather than “one of these days”, and I forget all that I do get to do today!

In November, I stepped down from my role on the Rise & Shine Women’s Retreat leadership team. It was a tough decision because I love that ministry. It is especially dear to my heart because I was one of original team members who helped start the conference. I enjoyed my role on the team, and found my God-given gifts were well put to use. And still, I felt God tugging at my heart to step back and focus more on my number one ministry, one He also called me to…home.

It seems like it should be easy to make a decision to simply “stay home” with the ones I love the most. It wasn’t…and still isn’t. Of course, it doesn’t makes sense to continue doing something, something I was doing for Him in the first place, when He has clearly showed me that it is time to step back. And still, at times, I feel a grief rise up in me over the loss of this role. I wonder why I can’t continue on (even though, in reality, the answer is right before me). I know He has called me into women’s ministry, so it doesn’t completely make sense. Yes, I’m still coordinating our local MOPS group, and I enjoy that. But, why would God want to “take this away from me”?

Then, I am reminded of all that He has given! I get to be a wife and a mom! I looooove being a wife and mom! I love my family! Even in a culture that generally devalues these roles, He does not!! He has chosen me for these role. What an honor! In this season of life, home is where I need to be most. My husband and sons are gifts from Him, whom I get to nurture. He isn’t taking anything away, He’s giving me an opportunity!! Although sometimes I feel so inadequate, He equips me for these daily roles, and is building my character for future ones.

Not only that, it’s amazing that I ever got to be on the Rise & Shine leadership team in the first place! What a wonderful experience! I learned so much about Him, myself and ministry. I will cherish the memories, remember the lessons and apply much of what I learned throughout the rest of my life…even now as I get to help encourage other moms at MOPS.

Furthermore, I see all He has provided. Not only has He provided a way to eternal life for me through Jesus Christ, He provides all I need for each day. I reflect on the destructive road I was once headed down, how He provided a way out, and gave me this life, one better than I had ever dared to dream of. I’m not perfect, I still fail Him and yet, He forgives me again (and again). He continues to love me.

Another thought: sometimes people get so fixated on what they can’t do as a Christian (or if they became one) that they loose sight of what God provides for those who love, honor and obey Him. They don’t want to give up what they want, but forget about the peace, hope and joy it will bring if they surrender their will to Him.

In reality, I don’t want my way, I want God’s best…in all areas of my life!

No more feeling sorry for myself. I must change my focus from what I can’t do and what I don’t have to all He has provided! I am grateful!!

Could you use a change of focus too?

…be content with what you have, because God has said,

 "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

Equipped

I am the wife of one busy farmer. I am the mom of two energetic little boys. I am also a women's ministry leader, helping to organize a yearly women's conference. I am currently leading a women's Bible study. And recently I took on the role of coordinator for our local MOPS (Mothers Of Preschoolers) group.

Last week as I thought about all of my roles, I started to feel a bit overwhelmed. Especially as I looked at my to do list for the rest of August, September and October. As I have been facilitating a book about “Balance” for our Bible study, I wondered how on earth I was going to balance it all. I felt ill-equipped and unsure of myself.

But then, I remembered the call to each of these roles. I know with out a shadow of doubt in my mind that God called me to each of these ministries.

He gave me my wonderful husband and precious children. To be a wife and mom is a high calling indeed! He knew I was the right wife and mom for them...and no other can fill that role like I can. I take this role seriously because I know God does too. No other ministry tops this one in importance!

Recently I shared here about how the Lord clearly called me to be on the leadership team for Rise & Shine Women's Retreat. What an honor to be on this team for a third year!

A while back I felt Him prompting my heart to start a new women's Bible study. I have seen confirmation after confirmation that it was the right choice and am incredibly thankful.

Then, about a month ago, I again felt the lord pricking my heart to step up to the role of coordinator for our local MOPS group. A role I said “no” to at first. I thought I was too busy and had too much on my plate, but as I read “Experiencing God” by Henry Blackaby, I felt the Lord stirring my heart that I had said “no” too quickly and that He wanted me to join Him in His activity there. Funny, I was praying that leadership for MOPS would rise up to fill the call. He answered my prayer...just not the way I expected! I stepped into the role and gave up teaching Sunday school for a while.

STILL, I wondered if all of this was too much! Why did God call me (little ol' me) to fill all of these roles? Did I hear Him right?  Could I handle it all?

Then, I read this, “When Jesus asks us to get involved (calls us), He already knows how He will accomplish His work through us. What we need is faith and vision – the ability to see that God wants us to be His instruments, and the He will supply what we need.” Randy Kilgore

Then, this, “Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your cause like the noonday sun.” Psalm 37:3-6

Then, I read this, “Jesus stressed a daily reliance on the Father, who provides for His children day by day...As the Israelites wandered in the desert, they had no way to get food. Miraculously, God provided manna that appeared on the ground each morning. God's provision was sufficient for one day at a time...God wants us to trust Him...it keeps our relationship with the Lord in its proper perspective as He reminds us daily of our dependence upon Him.” Henry Blackaby

THEN, (only one more!!) I remembered hearing Renee Swope speak these words at Rise & Shine Women's Retreat '09, “God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called.”

I am CALLED and, therefore, I am equipped! The truth is: I can't do it, not on my own! But, through Christ's strength and the Holy Spirit dwelling within me, I (along with others) can accomplish His will. As I submit myself to Him, He will give me what I need from day to day, reminding me of my utter dependence and constant reliance on Him. If I will trust Him and commit all that I do to Him, I will see a righteous reward...spiritual fruit. Thank you for that promise, Lord!

The same is true for you, my friend! Each of us are called to fill certain roles in this life. Although we DO have to be careful about overcommiting ourselves, we also have to be open to what He has for us. What is God calling you to? Are you willing to join Him in His activity? If you don't know where He is leading you, ask Him. Then, be prepared to follow. Do you feel ill-equipped? Get in His Word and spend time in prayer. Remember He will equip the called...and go forward in faith!

One more Henry Blackaby quote, “God is looking for absolute surrender. We must have a willing heart to do whatever He asks, and then trust Him to enable us to do it...He loves us enough to involve us in His work, and He refuses to leave us where we are when He knows we could be experiencing much more of Him...” SOOOO TRUE!! Looking forward to experiencing more of Him, how about you?!

So we keep on praying for you, asking our God to enable you to live a life worthy of His call. May He give you the power to accomplish all the good things your faith prompts you to do.

II Thessalonians 1:11

AMEN!

Remember to Expect

What is your measure of expectation as you approach God for a blessing? Do you expect to receive from God or do you tend to be forgetful like me?

In our women’s Sunday school class we are going through the book “Women of the Covenant: Spiritual Wisdom from Women of the Bible” by Kimberly Sowell and Edna Ellison. Each chapter focuses on one woman from the Bible and encourages you to make connections between the Biblical woman’s life and your own. It has been an excellent study so far! Each week I am blessed by the very insightful lessons that are also very applicable to my daily life journey.

This past Sunday we discussed, “The Needy Widow: Like Oil, the Blessing Flowed”. This was a focus on an unnamed woman featured in II Kings 4:1-7. She was the widow of a prophet. A creditor had come threatening to take her sons as slaves. She went to Elisha the prophet for help. Elisha asked her what she had in her house. The only thing she had was a flask of olive oil. Elisha told her to borrow as many empty jars as she could. Then go into her house, shut the door and start pouring the olive oil from the flask into the jars.
Vs 5 and 6 says: “So she did as she was told. Her sons kept bringing jars to her, and she filled one after another. Soon every container was full to the brim! ‘Bring me another jar,’ she said to one of her sons. ‘There aren’t any more!’ he told her. And then the olive oil stopped flowing.”

Elisha told the widow to sell the olive oil and pay her debt. They had enough left over for her and her sons to live on!

As we discussed this lessons many aspects of the story “came to light.” Eventually the question was asked, “What is your measure of expectation as you approach God for a blessing?” The widow obviously expected God to do what He said that He would do (through the prophet Elisha), because she gathered jars…apparently many, many jars as they had enough money left over to live on!

What about me and you...what is our measure of expectation as we approach God for a blessing?
As I listened to these lovely Christian ladies share in Sunday school, it became obvious to me that it is all too easy for us to forget God’s faithfulness, provision, ability and promises…even immediately after He’s done something major in our life!

Why do we start to forget all too quickly? Why don’t we always recognize the things He’s doing for us even in the ordinary moments of our days? Why are we so human?

God IS capable! It’s not that God has changed. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He remembers! It’s that we have changed. We forget! It’s that our focus gets…well, out of focus. Our memory fails us. Our expectancy wanes. We get caught up in the “hum drum” of life. Our focus in on what we can currently see and what we feel (feelings lie) instead of on the One who is faithful and just!

How amazing are the deeds of the Lord! All who delight in him should ponder them. Everything he does reveals his glory and majesty. His righteousness never fails. He causes us to remember his wonderful works. How gracious and merciful is our LORD! He gives food to those who fear him; he always remembers his covenant. Psalm 111:2-5

Do I believe that God truly wants to bless me? Well, why wouldn’t I?! God has shown his faithfulness to me time and time again. Do I believe that He’s interested in every detail of my life? Well, why wouldn’t I?! He has answered prayers, performed miracles and opened doors for me, showing me His abundant love many times! How about you?!

I want to go to Him with that child like faith, expecting to hear from Him. To see miracles like that the “Needy Widow” experienced…and even less extravagant ones (in the eyes of others) that will mean everything to me! To see His hand at work even in the midst of potty training, laundry and making supper for my family. Don't you?!

In Joshua 4 after God dried up the Jordan River so that the Israelites could pass safely on dry land, the people took 12 stones to set up a memorial. God told the people to do this so that the stones would be a reminder to them and future generations of God’s provision and power.

In Genesis 32 Jacob was afraid that his brother Esau would kill him as he tried returning to his homeland. However, Jacob remembered God’s earlier promise to him, “I will surely treat you kindly, and I will multiply your descendants until they become as numerous as the sands along the seashore--too many to count.” (vs. 11) Jacob remembered! Although he was afraid, he prayed and reminded God of his promise.
It was by faith that even Sarah was able to have a child, though she was barren and was too old. She believed that God would keep his promise. Hebrews 11:11

It seems to me that the way to be more expectant is to remember His faithfulness from the past more vividly! To set up memorials for ourselves so that we won’t forget His provision and ability to see us through any situation…even the norms of everyday life. Keeping His trustworthy promises fresh in our memory. Building our faith with evidence of His faithfulness!

What are some modern day memorials that I can set up? Perhaps keeping a journal; speaking to my son (and others) on a regular basis about the things God has done for me in the past (leaving a legacy); maybe even blogging about answered prayer and unexpected provision. Of course, I need to be in God’s Word and prayer. I need to meditate on His promises. And reflect on His good deeds. What else should I be doing?
I don’t want to forget! I want to go to God in eager expectation of what He is going to do next! I want to believe His promises and remember His faithfulness! I want to set up some very practical memorials for myself and my family!

I would love to hear your thoughts. How do you remember God‘s faithfulness? Have you set up memorials for yourself and your family? How do you keep from becoming “stale” in your Christian walk? Please share!