It's Okay Not to Be Okay

Is it?  Is it okay not to be okay?

 

I've spent so much of my life being "strong".  As a young girl I built up walls to protect myself from the feelings of grief and loss, fear and sadness I felt.  I decided I would no longer allow myself to cry; to me a sign of weakness.  I refused it.  And for years, I pushed back the tears, to the point where they just didn't come anymore.  I still felt things.  I just didn't often show it.  I put on a smile.  I was an extra good girl.  I was "fine" always.

I grew up in church.  I went to Christian school.  I knew all the right words and phrases.  I knew the right scripture verses.  I saw all the "perfect" people; how private they were and just how strong, and always okay, they were.  I learned how to be strong, or at least how to fake it.  Although no one ever said it, I learned by example you hide weakness and try to overcome it.  To look good, because we're suppose to be strong...and full of faith...always peaceful...full of joy...never wavering...and never weak.  At least that's what I learned.

Yes, scripture does teach us to look to Christ for strength and peace and joy in all circumstances and not to waver from our faith.   But that's not ALL scripture teaches us...

For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
 A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
 A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.

 Ecclesiastes 3:1-3

Really?  Did you catch that?  A time to cry.  A tie to laugh.  A time to grieve.  A time to dance.

It's not a sin to cry...or grieve.  It's not a sin to be sick, weary, downhearted, disappointed, angry or depressed either (check out David in the Psalms, my friends).  We do not have to feel guilty for it.  It's okay not to be okay all the time.  In fact, it is healthy to work through those normal, human feelings.  Yes, there will be a day when we will laugh again, there is a time for that too.  But that day doesn't have to be today.  Today we can cry on His shoulder because He understands.  Yes, Jesus, understands...

He was despised and rejected—
    a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
    He was despised, and we did not care.

 Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
    it was our sorrows that weighed him down.

Isaiah 53:3-4

Paul asked the LORD to take his afflictions from Him, but...

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in (your) weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  
II Corinthians 12:9-11

 

If we are never weak, and honest about it, than how can God be shown strong in our lives?  If we're so dependent on our own strength how will we ever boast in His strength in us; how He works in our very real, broken lives?  How else can we learn just how sufficient His grace is for us?

 

Dare I say it?  It is in the times of sorrow, weakness and trial that we turn more fully to the One who is our true strength. It is in those times that we allow Him to do His work in us and realize our utter dependence on Him.  It is when we draw closer to Him...and we recognize just how close He is to us.

 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
    he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Psalm 34:18

 

We should not despise this refining, sanctifying, maturing time.  Some Christians seem to think that if we were better Christians these trying times would not come or if we had stronger faith things would go well for us or that God promised us smooth sailing.  God did not promise us that hard times would not come.  He did promise us that He would walk through them with us, protecting us. 

 

Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
    I have called you by name; you are mine.
 When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.
 For I am the Lord, your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Isaiah 43: 1-3

 

What a beautiful promise!  Once we've walked through the difficulties of life, we can, in turn, comfort others with the same comfort we have received.  We become witnesses to His faithfulness.  Our faith is strengthened.  If we never experienced hardship, how could we relate or know how to comfort those hurting around us?

 

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 

II Corinthians 1:4

 

How can others be blessed if we're never honest enough about our weaknesses and pain to allow them to comfort us, to pray for us, to help as the hands and feet of Christ should?  It's a double blessing, for us and them.  What if we're so busy being strong and courageous that we make others feel as I felt, that being HUMAN is wrong?  We live in a fallen world where troubles come.  Life is not easy.  We need each other.  We are the body of Christ...

 

For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function,  so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.  We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach;  if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Romans 12:4-7

 

In recent years I have been humbled time and time again.  Hard times and hard things have taken me to my knees in prayer.  .  I began to clearly see that walls I built around myself for protection were really a barrier.  Thankfully the LORD has opened my eyes to see my need for HIS strength...and the support of His people.  My definition and understanding of true strength has changed.  Those walls are slowly coming down, stone by stone.  I know I can't do it alone.  Sometimes I need help.  That's okay.  It's okay to cry.  It's okay to be weak and vulnerable, to be REAL.  It's okay to allow others in.  It's okay to not be okay all the time, not fully anyway. 

 

It's in Him and His people that I find comfort and hope.  And it's in the hard times that I have matured the most.  I have seen the goodness of the LORD.

 

No matter what you or I are going through...

 

There will be a day when we will see the good He promised to us in all of this, in everything (Romans 8:28). 

There will be a day when we feel strong again (Philippians 4:13). 

Even in the midst of this we can find joy and thankfulness in knowing HE is near (Psalm 145:18).  

He is our hope (Psalm 33:20). 

He will turn our tears to gladness (Psalm 30:11). 

We will be okay...as long as we keep turning to Him. 

 

But it's okay not to be totally okay today...

Just keep going to the One who heals and allow Him to bind your wounds.

(Psalm 147:3)

Joy will come in the morning!

 

 

This song by Jason Gray has recently ministered to my soul.  Take the time to listen...and be blessed.

 

 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,

for the Lord has anointed me

to bring good news to the poor.

He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted

and to proclaim that captives will be released

and prisoners will be freed.

He has sent me to tell those who mourn

that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,

and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.

To all who mourn in Israel,

he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,

a joyous blessing instead of mourning,

festive praise instead of despair.

In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks

that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

Isaiah 61:1-3

 

Random Rachel Returns

What do I write about.  Which thing? 

I've been stepping back...simplifying...allowing the refining. 

I've felt pressured to write (I mean, this blog is just sitting here...) and yet, I don't. 

Do I write about the things He's been showing me?  The way He's been chipping away at my character.  The way He's been renewing and restoring things lost...and giving what perhaps never was.  Understanding.  Change.  Newfound joy.

Do I write about the foster care classes?   The stuff we're learning.  The way God is opening my eyes and heart even more to just why He's called us to this.  The class content is absolutely fascinating and educational.  Not sure what I expected, but the classes are better than I thought they would be. 

Do I write about the licensing process and the preparation to care for a foster child?  It's quite a process.  Many steps, a lot of paperwork, home studies and preparation necessary.  Sometimes it seems taxing, then I remember the goal.  It's worth it!

Do I write about one of our classes?  About Managing behaviors? Assessing strengths and needs?  Maybe about gains and losses?

Do I write about our loss?  It was 2  years ago that we lost our baby Faith to miscarriage; our third miscarriage.  Two years!!  Wow.  We've grieved.  We've questioned.  We've processed.  We've accepted God's promises to be true.  He has a good plan for us and we can trust Him, even when we don't understand.  As we move ahead, we see more clearly how He has worked in it.  How He has grown us; prepared us; lead us.  In joyful anticipation we look forward to seeing what He will do next, in His timing and in His way. 

Do I write about our two precious little boys?  They're constantly changing, growing, learning, bringing joy to our lives and home.  What about my 3 year old asking me what breasts are for!  :)  Or his little sweetness telling me daily, "You're the best mom!  I'll never forget about you."  Melts my heart!  Or what about my 7 year old who's suddenly a big boy; changing, growing increasingly independent and pulling away from mommy in some ways.  He's a little man.  Time is passing.

And I realize more and more and more the need to be here, to be fully present.  I can't be attached to a computer screen or my iPhone.  I can't be running around to numerous commitments.  I could miss it.  I don't mean just missing them growing or missing my chance.  Even worse, I could miss their hearts.  THIS is my call: to love God and others, starting at home with my husband and sons.  To spread the gospel, starting here.

To spend time just being with them (and their daddy), modeling, loving, nurturing relationships...

maybe even get a BONUS ride in the wagon every once in a while.  :)

Do I write about the disconnect between what our culture (as a whole) says is important and how we actually live?  How are we, especially we Christians, living out what we say we believe?  We say our mission field begins at home and yet it seems to me that the people in our homes often tend to get the worst of us rather than the best; as if everyone else "out there" is more important.  This is the true test of love...in the every day. 

Or do I write a Random Rachel post to just say...I can't write that much here?  I guess so.  That's what I'm doing.  I'm saying I just can't write that much right now.  At least not here.  Not now.  It's just not the time.  Today is the day to Simplify...as He leads me/us to the next place of promise.  I know it's a good place to be.

What would you write about?  What is God showing you? 

Philippians 2:1-11

 

Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? ² Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.

³ Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. ⁴ Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

⁵ You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

⁶ Though he was God,^[a]
    he did not think of equality with God
    as something to cling to.
⁷ Instead, he gave up his divine privileges^[b];
    he took the humble position of a slave^[c]
    and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,^[d]
8     he humbled himself in obedience to God
    and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

⁹ Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor
    and gave him the name above all other names,
¹⁰ that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
¹¹ and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
    to the glory of God the Father.

How to Simplify this Christmas...and Save Your Sanity!

How do you picture the perfect Christmas?  If you're like me, you probably picture something like this...

A beautiful family, in perfectly coordinated sweater, and with unified hearts, sit around a perfectly shaped and decorated (real, not artificial, of course) Christmas tree, sipping hot cocoa with marshmallows.  A cheesy smile on each face, as they open gorgeously wrapped gifts that are not only exactly what the receiver wanted, but given in the purest desire from the bottom of the giver's heart.  Inside, the house is not only decorated beautifully, it's in perfect order.  Outside, the ground is covered in a fresh, white snow.  And, in the next room, there's a long dining room table covered with a feast fit to feed a king...and his family...his court...and his entire kingdom.  Every dish is filled to the brim, looks absolutely scrumptious and perfectly browned turkey, fully intact and steamy hot, sits right in the middle of the table.  Peace, joy, love...Christmas bliss.   

It's a sight right out of a Hallmark movie, right?!

Then there's reality.  

You make the long trip to Grandma's house despite a long week of caring for puking kids and the treacherous, icy road conditions of the day.  You're stressed out before you even arrive.  The kids run off as soon as you get in the door.  And, before you can even get your coat off, one of them is crying.  A cousin hit them in the head with a toy.  You try to comfort amd lecture about sharing, both at the same time.  Child hanging on you, you begin to "pit out" in your holiday sweater (of course, you are the only one wearing a sweater...and the house feels like it's 500 degrees).  Grandma's in the kitchen slaving away over the meal while three other family members try to help.  Someone scorches the potatoes.  Grandma, hair all disheveled, looks like she's going to cry.  The turkey completely fell apart, so she's disassembling it piece by piece.  And you think, "At least it's not dry and chewy like last year."  The guys are camped out in front of the TV watching football.  Grandpa is asleep in the recliner.  The house is a mess due to the kids running in every direction.  You stick the gifts you brought under the lopsided, artificial tree that is covered in handmade ornaments of years past, wondering if even one of them is something the receiver will like.  The kids helped you wrap them and they're plastered with scotch tape.  You bought every one of your family members a gift even though you couldn't really afford it because, well, that's just what you've always done; it's what's expected.  Uncle Bill, who you haven't seen since last Christmas, approaches you with a hug.  He proceeds to tell you about his recent hemorrhoid surgery.  You zone out as he goes into detail.  You look out the window; the ice has turned to slush.  You're reflecting on all that's wrong with this picture when someone yells from the next room that little Johnny just threw up... again.  Ugh!  You're stressed out, tired, sweaty and disappointed before the party even really begins.  This is not the Christmas you signed up for.

Darn, those Hallmark movies, right?!  

I really think unrealistic expectations can ruin our holidays; unrealistic expectations that we put on ourselves, our families, our get-togethers and even our gifts.  Life isn't perfect.  People aren't perfect.  WE aren't perfect.  

But, so what?!  

We put so much pressure on ourselves and others that we can miss the joy in the midst of reality's chaos.  It's a blessing to be with our families, and yet we can miss the blessings if we're so focused on our unmet expectations.  If we focus on all that's wrong, and focus on all the wrong things, our stress level will rise and we will miss all that's right.  It can be tough, but we can choose to simplify.  We can choose to accept our lives for what they are...and our families for who they are.

"Don't just pretend to love others.  Really love them." Romans 12:9

Four things that have helped me to Simplify and Save My Sanity through the Christmas season:

1. Cut back on the gifts.  This means not giving gifts that you can't afford or that you think are unnecessary.  Just because you gave them a gift last year (or every year as long as you've lived), doesn't mean you have to give them a gift this year.  Giving gifts that come from a begrudged heart defeat the whole purpose anyway.  The gifts you do give, give joyfully, expecting nothing in return.  It might be hard at first.  But, trust me, it gets better...and it takes a lot of pressure off.   

2.  Don't overextend yourself or overbook your family.  This is especially important if you have young children.  There are so many things going on in December!  Think through your commitments and look over your calendar before committing to yet another event; be realistic.  This may mean saying no to a few things, even good things that you want to do.  However, remember balance and maintained sanity are your goals.  

Note: Keep in mind, sometimes we also can't make it to events we committed to because of realities like vomiting kids.  Let go.  You can't control it!

3. Take time to focus on the true meaning of Christmas.  Do this as an individual, but also as a family.  The more our minds are set on the true reason we celebrate, the Savior Jesus Christ, the more other things will seem less important.  Choose to invest time in meaningful activities that nurture your faith and renew your perspective, and that of your family.

4.  Choose to love and accept your family, both immediate and extended, just as it is.  So you're family isn't perfect.  Guess what, no one else's family is either.  It's okay.  Choose to overlook their faults and little annoyances to see the blessings of the moment.  And thank God for an opportunity to love as He does, humbly, unselfishly and wholeheartedly.  Remember this moment in time will never come around again.  Use this time to love on those you...well, love.  It still won't be "perfect".  Embrace the imperfection.  

I don't have all the answers!  However, I really think if we let go of our unrealistic expectations; if we simplify and embrace reality; we will find joy this Christmas season...along with our sanity.  :)

Today I'm joining the Third Thursday Blog Hop.  Head on over to Jill Savage's blog, by clicking on the link below, to see what others had to say on the topic "No More Perfect Holidays".  

My "Perfect" Marriage ~ A New Definition

We started out so sweet; an incredibly romantic, nearly perfect love story.  It was love at first sight (or should I say first chat?). 

God can use whatever tool He wants to bring two people together.  In our case it happened to be a cheesy, so called Christian website. 

We started chatting at the end of March.  We talked on the phone for hours.  We met face to face, half way between my home in Midwestern Indiana and his in Northeast Iowa, at the end of April.  We got engaged at the end of June.  And married at the end of August.  Some people saw it as a fast and furious courtship.  When you know you've found what you've been looking for, you just know.  That's how it was for us. 

Just look at us...

We were blissfully happy on our wedding day!

Then life happened.  It just did.  Even worse, we happened. 

Eight and a half years later I post pictures like the one below on my Facebook. All smiles. Looks almost perfect, doesn't it?  It's easy to give off this "perfect life" persona, not even meaning to.

Reality check: Marriage, parenthood, LIFE can be hard. 

Yes, we still love each other.  Yes, we're happy and incredibly thankful for all our blessings.  Yes, he's a terrific guy and he says I'm a terrific gal.  Still we've had our ups and downs like all people do.   

We've been blessed with healthy babies, 2 precious boys.  Then, there were the 3 miscarriages that challenged and increased our faith (not to mention the ways parenting has stretched us!). 

We've experienced good weather and hearty crops.  Then, there were the droughts and low cattle prices.  Big deals for a farmer and his wife, our whole livelihood.

We've faced health and family issues, sleeplessness, bad attitudes and parenting dilemmas. 

And, guess what, we don't always see eye to eye.  Gasp!

Even though we're followers of Jesus Christ and we desire to honor Him with our lives, we fail.

God never promised us that this life (or our marriage) would be easy. He did promise that He will go with us, helping, guiding and enabling us through this journey. He also promised that if we do it His way He will bless us. His way is Perfect! 

The problem is we don't always follow His way, we follow our flesh.  We're imperfect.  Therefore our marriage is imperfect.  Or is it?

A few months ago our pastor preached on Matthew 5:48.  "But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect."  These words were spoken by Jesus himself.  Being the perfectionist that I am that word "perfect" always bothered me.  How can we ever be perfect as He is perfect?  When our pastor explained the definition of this word in the original language the way it was used in this text, it all made perfect sense (no pun intended). 

Perfect: maturing, growing, thriving.  Having mature motives.

That definition of "Perfect" gave me a whole new outlook.

Perhaps my marriage is Perfect after all.  Because it is in the every day stuff of life, through the challenges and triumphs that we share, that we are maturing, growing and thriving, having mature motives...a prize set before us: Perfect (see def above) Love.

 

The longer I'm married the more I understand the perfect love that Jesus calls us to. Not that I'm getting it pefectly right.  I'm not.  But I'm learning more about God's kind of love...

Love that casts off fear. 

Love that's patient and enduring.

 Love that's kind even when we don't feel like it. 

 Love that swallows pride to say sorry. 

 Love that looks past offenses and lets them go.  

 

Choosing to put on a gentle and quiet spirit, rather than a stormy and demanding one.  Choosing to love my husband, day by day, moment by moment, no matter what. Not because he deserves it or because I'm so good or he's so good, but because HE is good.  And I'm seeing this same kind of love being modeled through my husband! 

 

Nope, it's not easy.  It's challenging.  But our marriage is teaching us to be more like Jesus...which is just what we desire. 

 

So I embrace our "Perfect" Marriage, as we learn and grow together. 

Choosing to love. (It truly is a choice!)

Being stretched. 

Becoming more like Jesus in the process. 

Striving for Perfect Love while living in the reality of our own imperfections. 

It's a perfectly beautiful thing!

 

I LOVE MY HUSBAND!

 

To read more blog posts on this topic check out the

Hearts At Home Third Thursday Blog Hop

 

Read another blog post about Marriage by me: But God...

 

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Your Story ~ ReNEWed Life '12

Recently I’ve been writing about my time at ReNEWed Life Women’s Event where Lisa Whittle spoke. Today I continue writing about what God showed me through Lisa’s messages. This is post 3 of 4. Read the previous posts here and here.
Last time I wrote about facing our truth. And I said: When we face our truth and are honest with others about it, it influences those around us. This goes right into Lisa Whittle’s third message of the day “Your Story Matters”. Lisa said that from our place of wholeness (once we’ve faced our truth and been made whole in Christ) we must move. She said our point is to make God famous. We don’t share for us, we share for them (so others can hear about Him).

She said there are two places where it goes wrong.

1. We think we don’t have a story
2. We emphasize the wrong person

We all have a story. Lisa said, “We have to understand our story is what happens between Jesus and us in the pages of our earthly journey.” Yes, we all have a story…and that story is about Him, not about us. We need to share our truth because “honesty makes others feel brave”, and it can nudge them to receive the Truth.

This message reminded me of something I heard Lysa TerKeurst say before (my paraphrase), “People don’t care to hear about your God until they’ve seen the reality of him played out in your life.” In other words, people don’t care to hear you preach the gospel to them until they’ve seen the gospel of grace and love lived out in you. They want to see Him in you, to know that He’s real and that He works in your real life. Lysa TerKeurst also said this, “People want to know if He works.”

I’d say that’s why your story matters. Your story, the one that’s happened between you and God, shows others that He works…in a real way, in your real life. When we’re honest about where we’ve been and what He’s done in us, it proves He works.

That’s really the point of this blog, all of it not just this post…to share what He’s done and what He’s doing in me. That’s why I shared part of my story in my last post. And why I try to be honest about my struggles, so that you will see you are not alone and that He works…really works in the everyday stuff of life.  It's about Him!

At the end of the day at ReNEWed Life Women’s Event we had time to reflect on the day and what we had heard. A question from Lisa Whittle’s “Your {w}hole Story” Guide was posed, I asked myself, “If I could spend the rest of my life talking about one thing, what would it be?” My answer: I would spend my life telling people that we don’t have to live stuck or broken or in empty religion. That, yes, heaven is coming, but we can also experience freedom and abundant life through Christ, here, right now, in this life.

Honestly, reading friends, He is the answer to every question. I know because I have looked for happiness and satisfaction in all the wrong places. When I surrendered my life to Him I found that He truly is the source of joy, peace and hope. It’s His love and grace that changes everything.

No, life isn’t always easy and carefree. We live in a fallen world. But life is better, much better with Him, than without Him. That’s the truth!

How can you share your story? Do you believe it matters?  It does.

“…Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”

Ephesians 4:29

Next time, my thought on Lisa’s message “Holes Bring Hope”. I will share about how empty religion limited and defined me…and how that drove me to God.

The Truth ~ ReNEWed Life '12

Last time I wrote a little about ReNEWed Life Women’s Event where speaker and writer, Lisa Whittle, shared. I knew I had too much to share in one post. So, here’s part 2 in this series of 4. (To read my last post, click "Last time" above) 

Lisa Whittle’s first message of the day was titled “Wholeness Starts in the Heart”. She pointed out how we tend to “put on masks and conceal our truth”. She said what God is looking for is truth in the heart (Ps 51:6,10). It starts from the inside out. Sometimes the devil makes us afraid to share our truth. She says when we face it, there is freedom.

My truth is not pretty. I will share a little bit about it with you in a moment. Before I do I want to share some other truth with you. Something that God has been showing me, that I didn’t hear at ReNEWed Life that day, but something that I think you might need to hear before you hear my truth.

The truth is, your truth isn’t that different than everyone else’s. For some reason most of us tend to think we are a “special case”. Unlike everyone else.

Guess what? Those people you think are so much different than you, are more like you than different. Think about it.

Most people want to be happy. Most people want a family. And those who have them, love them…especially their children. Most of us want our creature comforts to be satisfied. We like to be comfortable, and avoid situations where we are not. Most of us are insecure in one area or another, and spend a substantial amount of time trying to make everyone think that we are not. We want to succeed, and we want others to see us as successful. We’ve been hurt and experienced loss. We want to feel needed and important. We work, eat, sleep, clean, talk, listen, etc. Getting the picture? We’re alike.

We especially tend to think our dysfunctional family is unique. Guess what? Everyone’s family, even the most seemingly functional ones, have some dysfunction. We all have our things. Most of our families have quirks, disagreements, black sheep, secrets and even a shady present. Yet, no matter how dysfunctional, our family is we still love them. We can say what we want about them, but no one else better. A thought: perhaps what we label dysfunction is merely reality kept quiet by some.

No matter how we try to “pretty up” the outside, we have holes on the inside that leave us feeling empty. Whether we’re carrying a Gucci handbag or wearing flip flops from Dollar General, we tend to find ourselves stuck in unwanted ruts. No matter what our skin color or hairstyle, we are broken. No matter where we live or what kind of car we drive, we feel lonely, restless, and anxious sometimes.

The truth is: We’re all a mess! Lisa Whittle said it and so do I! 

As I said before, my truth is not pretty. It looked kind of pretty at times. Despite divorced parents and low income, I grew up in Christian school, church and home. I was the “good girl”, smiley, eager to please…everyone. I accepted Jesus at an early age and had a strong faith. I knew all the right verses and holy sounding words, and threw them around quite often.

I believed, but the truth was, this “good girl” had some real heart issues. I was self-centered (which led to insecurity), self-reliant and rebellious (which both turned me away from God). I hadn’t fully submitted my life to God.

As an early 20 something I tired of trying to be perfect. I felt I could never be good enough for others, for myself or for God. Instead of turning to the Lord for help, I turned away. Although I knew it was wrong, I ran after the things the world offered that I thought would make me happy. I could still talk a good talk in the right circles. But the truth was my heart was distant from Him.

One day I came to the end of myself. All of my striving for happiness had left me in a deep pit. Although I had gone looking for happiness, what I had found in the world was more brokenness and disappointment. I fell on my knees before the Lord, crying. This time, I submitted, really submitted, my life to Him.

Things didn’t change overnight. It’s been a process of growth. I keep learning. But I can truly say today, that life is so much better lived submitted to Him, than it ever was on my own. By giving up “my freedom”, I gained it. True freedom.

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. 

But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. 

Matthew 16:25

 

The truth is, I’m still a mess. But I know it…and it drives me to Jesus even more. I have given my messy life to Him, and I keep doing so over and over, day after day. It is a choice. I keep asking for His help, for His Spirit to fill me. Less of me, more of Him, I pray. I am a forgiven, deeply loved work in progress.

Your “truth” circumstances might be different than mine, but the truth is the same. We’re all messed up…and in need of a Savior. Not just once, but over and over, moment by moment each day. Your mess is not beyond His reach. You’re not that different than me. As Lisa Whittle said, when we face our truth, there is freedom. But I also believe when we realize that we are more like the person next to us than we are not, there is also freedom in that. When we face our truth and are honest with others about it, it influences those around us.

But more about that next time. J

Next time I will share my thoughts on Lisa Whittle’s message “Your Story Matters”.

Check out this "truth": a couple of unposed photos snapped at ReNEWed Life Women's Event. Not quite as "put together" as the other posed photos, that's why I like them. They make me smile every time. Shows we're real women, in need of a real Savior. Perhaps we all need to be a bit more "unposed" more often. What do you think? :)

 

Compelled ~ ReNEWed Life '12

Have you ever had something so big happen in your life that you have a hard time summing it up? I have…yet again. Too often I get caught up in writing the “perfect” words, in telling it all. Today, I’m going to be easy on myself, and simply write what I have on my heart. What better?

Last Saturday, August 11^th I was at ReNEWed Life Women’s Event. If you missed my last post, this is a little of what I wrote about it beforehand:

Just a few months ago, this event didn’t exist and, as far as I know, nothing like it has ever taken place in our small community. My friend, Jill, and I had helped organize a big women’s retreat in a larger town an hour and a half from home for a few years. Although it was such a blessing, at different times, each of us had felt God leading us to step off that leadership team. One day afterwards, we discussed a prompting in our hearts to “do something” more for the women right here in our rural community...As we prayed about it, the Lord clearly opened doors for National Speaker and Author Lisa Whittle to come to our rural area, small town Cresco, Iowa.

I’m leaving out many details and many displays of God’s faithfulness…I can hardly wait to watch Him display His glory (again) next Saturday at this women’s event that two farmer’s wives and others in rural Iowa envisioned at His prompting! And we will give Him all the praise and glory!

The ReNEWed Life Leadership Team with guest speaker,

Lisa Whittle: Kim, Teresa, Lisa, Jill, Rachel (me)

What a blessed day it was, from small details to big! His presence was strong and sweet. The words He spoke through Lisa Whittle were powerful. He also spoke through the two local gals who shared their testimonies. The worship music was harmonious. In fact, I still can’t get the song “10,00 Reasons (Bless the Lord)” out of my head. He even ministered to us through the food and décor.  He showed up, answered prayers and did His work, as I knew He would.

I have found myself in tears of rejoicing several times since. I am thankful that we were obedient and did the work He called us to. That we chose to step out in faith. We are beneficiaries. HE is exalted!

The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.

I Thessalonians 5:24   

The joy of being part of something like this goes way beyond that one day. In the preparation and praying beforehand He displays His greatness. We realize that we can not exhaust His resources and the things that He does through us are so beyond our abilities without Him. We get to praise Him for all the things that the one attending never gets to see, His sanctification starts in us. Although it’s work, it’s the greatest joy to have a “behind the scenes” view, to see and bask in His glory! Afterwards, I stand in awe of all that just happened…in small town Cresco, Iowa!

The night before the event, we got to meet and sit down with the speaker, Lisa Whittle, someone I’ve respected through her blog and books. And, yet, I wondered would her words match her life? Turns out she is an absolute gem, someone who ministers to your heart both with and without words. Down to earth, personable, authentic, Christ driven. 

That night, we followed Lisa to a local rehab where she spoke. A foretaste of what was to come at ReNEWed. That night and the next, the words God spoke through her pierced my soul, left my heart aching in a good way. The words caused me to think deeper. They stuck with me beyond that day and God began to change me (again) from the inside out. He's still doing it, days later.

Before she left, she asked if the day met my expectations. I stumbled over my words, but the answer was "Yes!" You see, we did all of this preparing to minister to women in our community, to impact lives with the Truth. Turns out, I’m one of those women.

Lisa encouraged me to keep on, in a way that is rare. Then, she wrote in my copy of her book {w}hole to keep being brave. I thought she was the bold one, now she calls me brave? I felt the boldness rise up in me even more. I need to be, want to be, must be brave! She leads by her example.

I have several things from the event that I want to share with you, my blog friends. Instead of trying to cram it all in one post, I hope to spread it out over several. My first series! :)

Lisa Whittle spoke to us about Holes and the God who makes us Whole. I want to share how God spoke to me through each message. And, yet, today for my first post about ReNEWed Life Women’s Event ‘12, I feel compelled to write about this (to be honest, it kind of surprised me):

After Lisa’s last message, she shared with us about Compassion International, a Christian child advocacy ministry. She said something that spoke to me in more ways than one, God wants compelled believers, not just ones that are stirred. You can be stirred and never do a thing, we must be compelled to step out (this applies to so many things in our Christian lives...including starting women's conferences). She said we need to open our eyes to the things going on in this world.

The words of the Casting Crowns song instantly started ringing through my head, “Break our hearts for what breaks yours”. The truth is, it’s easier to live blind. I realize children wait in orphanages, ravaged with fear, head lice and disease, bellies empty and hearts hollow when they lay their head down at night. Other children get sold into sex trafficking and their little bodies are sold over and over, day after day. Some suffer in war-torn countries, barefoot, thirsty, hopeless…with no one to tell them where real hope is found. Others live right under my nose who mock His name with their words and actions. Does it break my hear, really?  What am I doing about it? What should I be doing? 

I already sponsor a child through a different organization. How often do I even remember to pray for her? Am I so busy building my happy, plush lifestyle that I forget how others suffer...how blessed I am...how spoiled really? That this life is not about me. I pour money into new furniture, paint, landscaping, yet another toy for my children who have an ample supply. Never thinking of the one without…or to give thanks to the Giver who supplies all of it, or at least not nearly enough.

It’s easy to get stirred up about these things at a women’s conference. How compelled am I? Enough to do something, something that might cost me something or push me beyond my comfort? Do I truly want to be His hands and feet? Not only to throw a little money at it, but to do the Jesus work, even when it's hard and not so glamorous?  

Break my heart for what breaks yours, Lord. Compel me to help. Then, make me brave enough to follow through.

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this:

to look after orphans and widows in their distress and

to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

James 1:27

Next time: what God showed me about facing my truth through Lisa’s message “Wholeness Starts in the Heart”.  

Until then, live compelled, be brave and do the work!

Christmas in the Real World

I shared this quote in our Christmas letter in 2008.  It has remained with me and I wanted to share it with my blog friends this year.

"Let us avoid the temptation to make our Christmas worship a withdrawl from the stress and sorrow of life into a realm of unreal beauty. It was into the real world that Christ came, into a city where there was no room for Him.


He comes to us, not to shield us from the harshness of the world but to give us the courage and strength to bear it; not to snatch us away by some miracle from the conflict of life, but to give us peace - His peace - in our hearts, by which we may be calmly steadfast while the conflict rages, and be able to bring to the torn world the healing that is peace." ODB

Into the real world He came, to save us.

When we make room for Him,

our real lives He changes.

I wish for you, real reading friend, a peace-filled CHRISTmas...

the kind of peace that is a gift only He can give!

"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart.

And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.

So don't be troubled or afraid." ~ Jesus

(John 14:27)

Let's Get Real! ~ Repost

This is a repost from March 8, 2011.  Read it myself this morning and felt the urge to repost it...

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to look at someone else’s life and think they have it “all together”…that they’re so happy…so “perfect”…doing so much better than us? Looks are often deceiving!

A friend told me a while back that she sees me and my life as “perfect”. I gasped and almost laugh out loud when she said it. “What? Get real!” I said.

My friends comment bothered me because I thought she knew me better than that. She knows my past (because she was there with me through some of the worst of times), but I guess she doesn’t really know my present.

She sees the thankful and cheerful Facebook posts, pictures of me and my smiling family. She sees the yearly Christmas letters and Christian blog posts. She doesn’t see the in and out, everyday life that I live. The dirty diapers, wiped tears and toilet scrubbing. She doesn’t see the messes. She doesn’t see me tired and weary. She doesn’t see my bad attitude and temper flare up like (it pains me to say) my husband and little sons do. These aren’t things that we tend to post on Facebook or put in Christmas letters, now are they? Nope, we tend to only put the best “out there” for the world to see, don't we?!

Although I’m very, very thankful for all God has done in my life, for His salvation and blessings. And although I continue to grow, learn and draw closer to Him as the days pass, I am not “perfect” and life is not constantly bliss. And I certainly hope that I’m not giving that ‘fake” impression to people. I want to be real! I want my friends to know that they are not alone in their struggles! We may not have the exact same struggles, but we all have some. If I'm always giving off this "better than thou" impression, it makes it difficult for others to be real with me. I don't want that!

I AM forgiven. I AM loved. I AM free in Christ. But, perfect I am not. The only perfect one is God and anything that is good in me, comes from Him.

The day I surrendered my heart and life to the Lord all of my struggles did not vanish. It is a daily process. Life is hard at times. I am all too human. There are times when I don’t feel very “Christian” (mainly when I take the focus off of my Savior and put it on myself). Have you ever been there?

There are days when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders even though I know it’s not a weight I have to bear alone. Times when I don’t feel like praying although I’ve learned that’s when I need to pray the MOST! Sometimes past habits, thought processes and feelings rise up within me. There are areas where I feel like I should be stronger, more mature, yet I am not. I want to do better, but I battle my sinful human flesh. That’s because I haven’t “arrived” and the truth is I never will. And neither will anyone else, on this side of heaven. My friend is comparing what she sees on the "outside" of me with what she knows is on the "inside" of her.


Let’s get real! Life is not easy. God never promised us that life would be easy.

So what’s so great about being a Christian? God did promise us that if we choose to follow Him, He will be with us and give us the strength we need . Because I know the Savior, I know who IS good! God is good and I know He lives within me! The “old me” didn’t have the reassurance and peace that I now know. The “new me” wants to do better!

Today, despite what I feel or what struggle I’m facing, I know where to turn. When I feel those bad attitudes rising up inside of me, I know WHO can help! No matter where I am or what I have done, I know He is good and will forgive me when I sincerely come to Him. I know He is faithful!

When I feel unlovable, He loves me anyway. He is my loving Father who will never leave nor forsakes me…so in reality I have no need to be lonely or to give into my fleshly desires. When I am weak and weary, He will give me the strength I need. I have no reason to worry, I can cast all my cares on Him. Although I am not perfect, I am covered by His blood. There is hope for me because He is sooo good! Isn’t it reassuring to know we don’t have to be perfect to be forgiven?!

Let’s get real! My life is not “perfect” and I am not "perfect" (whatever that is)! But, His love IS perfect…and that’s what is real!

Do you know where to turn when you feel so much less than perfect? Do you realize that you’re not alone in your struggles? Do you know you are loved? Let’s get real with one another! Let’s turn to the one who IS perfect…and let Him change our lives forever!  Let's love each other through all the imperfection...and grow together!

God is love, and all who live in love live in and God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear… I John 4:16-18

Hiding My Dirty Dishes

It was a Sunday evening. The dirty dishes were piled high in and around the kitchen sink. I’m a gal who likes to keep a clean house, but I tend to relax things a bit on the day of rest. A girl needs a day off, don’t ya think?!  :)

Wouldn’t you know it, some friends decided to stop in for a visit. Hear me out here, I enjoy having friends stop in - I was just a bit embarrassed about the heaping mound of dishes awaiting them right there in plain sight.

My husband said, “Someone's pulling into the driveway.” As silly as it sounds, I rushed to the sink…and hid half (or more) of the dirty dishes in the nearby laundry area. I guess I wasn’t embarrassed that half of them remained. Things looked a bit more “presentable.”

We visited with our friends. The conversation was good and I was thankful they stopped in. Then, it happened, somehow the conversation shifted. My friend commented on how clean my house was. She even mentioned the lack of dirty dishes, noting that I didn’t have a dishwasher (seriously, she did!). She confessed that she can’t always keep up on things the way she wants to. Instantly, I felt like a fake. I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to be honest. I decided to confess.

With a little giggle I opened up the laundry area doors and showed her my dirty dishes piled on top of the washer and dryer. She smiled and extended some gracious words. We then talked about how hard it can be to keep with life and household.

Later, I laughed at myself as I thought about that evening. I like to think that I’m a pretty “real” and transparent person. Yet, I tried to hide my dirty dishes…or at least half of them. Why did I do that? Did I think my friend would have a less favorable opinion of me if she saw my mess? Was it pride? I suppose it was a desire to look good, to appear well kept and orderly.

Yet, the dirty dishes were still there all along. Hidden or not, I still had to deal with them later. How nice to know I’m not alone in my housekeeping woes!

This all reminded me of how often I want to hide the “dirty dishes” of my life - past sins and current struggles. It’s easier to hide these things away. Why do I do that? Maybe I think others will think less of me if they knew my whole story (I’ll just share half of my mess). Maybe my pride wants to overlook my shaky past and current failures. I suppose it is a desire to look good, to appear well kept and in control as all “good Christian girls” should.

Yet, the “dirty dishes” are still there. Hidden or not, I still have to deal with them at some point. How much nicer would it be to know I’m not alone on this journey and to help a sister know she’s not alone either?!

You see, I think we Christian women all too often fall into what I call “poser mode”. Casting Crowns’ Mark Hall calls it, “Happy Plastic People…with walls around our weakness and smiles to hide our pain.”

It occurred to me after our visit that once I was honest with my friend about my dirty dishes, she felt free to share her dirty dishes struggles with me. Not only that, she had been looking for my mess and, as most women tend to do, she was comparing it to hers. I’m glad I was honest because she may have went away feeling bad about her own housekeeping skills, thinking I had it all together and wondering why she couldn’t do that same. That might sound silly, but we women are like that.

Ah, that’s how it is when we share the “dirty dishes” of our lives with others. There’s so much power in a testimony. As we share our story, it frees others to share theirs. As we transparently share our struggles, it often frees others to “come clean” as well - or at least see common threads that bind us together and gives us hope for the future. It’s so good to know we’re not alone in our struggles.

No one wants to meet a “Happy Plastic” Christian - someone unrelatable and perfectly put together. It’s time to get real - and share our history (and present) with others. There’s power in revealing those “dirty dishes” for a purpose.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think we should walk around airing our “dirty dishes” to everyone in sight. But, I do believe that being honest with God and others is freeing for us and influential on others.

I like this quote, “The only basis of real fellowship with God and man is to live out in the open with both.”
~ Roy Hession

Would you please pray for me as I’ll be sharing some of my “dirty dishes” for God's glory at our next MOPS meeting? I’ll be sharing my story with this group of dear friends on April 12th. Thanks so much!

Therefore, having put away falsehood,

let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor;

for we are members one of another.
Ephesians 4:25